BRING BACK TELEGRAMS

Some amusing telegrams, which were essentially tweets for a different generation and far classier. As with all good things, a couple of these are probably apocryphal.
  1. STREETS FULL OF WATER PLEASE ADVISE
    Sent by Robert Benchley to David Niven on arriving in Venice, a destination recommended by Niven.
  2. VERY SORRY CAN'T COME STOP LIE FOLLOWS BY POST
    Lord Charles Beresford responding to a dinner invitation from Edward VII.
  3. TOO FUCKING BUSY AND VICE VERSA
    Dorothy Parker, on her honeymoon, responding to a work-related query from an editor back home.
  4. NOBODY KNOWS [repeated 500 times]
    A telegram to media tycoon Randolph Hearst from an astronomer who had been asked, "IS THERE LIFE ON MARS? PLEASE CABLE 1000 WORDS."
  5. BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE STOP PETER
    Peter Sellers' wife received this telegram in 1954. It was from Peter, who was working upstairs.
  6. IGNORE FIRST TELEGRAM
    Spike Milligan jokingly sent this to his notoriously paranoid friend, Peter Sellers.
  7. A WARM HAND ON YOUR OPENING
    Sent by Noel Coward to friend Gertrude Lawrence on the night of her Broadway debut.