1. "My neighborhood clothing store charges 100 bucks for tearaway pants. What a ripoff!"
  2. "If you suck at handjobs, that’s a blowjob."
  3. "I saw a hotel sign that read, "Pets are okay." NO THEY'RE GREAT!"
  4. "The original title for Robert Altman’s “The Long Goodbye” was “Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooodbye.”
  5. "Why did the Jewish football coach want his quarterback? [pause] Because he’s a homosexual."
  6. "I hated showering in front of other guys in high school gym. Especially since they were all fully-clothed and seated in chairs."
  7. "On hot days, I know you're supposed to crack a car window for a pet. But I’m worried someone will break in and steal my dead dog."
  8. "If model airplane glue gets you high, imagine how high you would get on glue they use on real airplanes! 20,000 feet at least!"
  9. "Metamucil is mucil that’s aware of itself."
  10. "I’m not a dragon slayer, I just Lance-A-Lot."
  11. "Everyone knows Hitler was an artist, but he also painted."
  12. "My grandma would be thrilled if I settled down and got married. I mean, we've been dating for 8 years."
  13. "I saw an existential gay pride parade. Their slogan was "Why are we here? Why are we queer?""
  14. "Pistachios are great, but I hate that you have to work to eat them. Like, why do I need a job to afford them?"
  15. "I saw a couple kissing in public. I said, "Get a room." Not to them. To myself. I couldn't keep masturbating on that street corner."
  16. "I don't talk to ugly people because I called this girl ugly in kindergarten and my teacher said, "Never talk to people like that again!""
  17. "If we put up a stop sign wherever a kid is killed by a car, then my cousin would have one in his garage."