LIFE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM "CALIFORNICATION"
I have caught up on 3+ seasons of this aptly-titled show in as many days. I still have 1.5 to go so I'm sure all of this is really building towards some sort of greater moral lesson in the end.
- •Every single woman you meet will want to fuck youEspecially the ones who might be categorized as "WAY out of your league"...
- •...they also will be eager & willing to perform fellatio at all hours of the day/nightHot young studio execs will say things to Runkle like, "if you have a minute, I'd really like to suck your dick." Everything I know about my friends is a LIE!
- •You will never, ever encounter a woman who is larger than a size 4
- •Every woman over 16 and under 25 treats life like an audition for "Girls Gone Wild"*Hank's daughter clearly excepted.
- •CAA is the enemyTalk shit about them & try to steal their hot gay clients. It's the honorable way.
- •Agents at WME have a tendency to poop themselvesRunkle may have started this rumor, but ultimately it probably contributed (spoiler alert!) to him signing Tyler... Although the "cock-slapping" incident probably helped more.
- •If you are a famous writer, you will never run into traffic in LA& here I thought only Jack Bauer had that kind of superpower!
- •Also, you will always be ready to make the quick trip from Venice to West Hollywood& by West Hollywood, I clearly mean Chateau Marmont.
- •Every hot girl under 25 will immediately recognize you &/or throw themselves at you if you are a bad boy authorIf that's not an argument for becoming an English Major, then I don't know what is!
- •A book called "Fucking & Punching" will immediately be stacked high in every bookstore window displayBecause who cares about "children" on the "sidewalk" being exposed to this unedited expletive!
- •If you are a bald sex addict with a micro-peen, you will have no trouble bedding 100 hot women in less than a yearSee also: the frequency of unsolicited blow jobs
- •There is absolutely zero downside to smoking more than a pack of Reds a dayIn fact, this will make you infinitely sexier
- •There is no better way to get someone to sleep with you than to say "I'm not going to sleep with you"
- •Rehab is a perfect place to take a vacation from your lifeThere's cucumber water, an ocean view & a gorgeous pool surrounded by sunbathing model-types... Who's ready to go on a bender?
- •The show's hair metal cameo game is *strong*This isn't really a lesson, but featuring Tommy Lee playing piano & Sebastian Bach in a casket/hologram really deserves a shoutout
- •Feminists all hate men...or, deep down, just want to be fucked by them
- •Rob Lowe is a fucking genius & Eddie Nero needs a spin-offCan I get an "amen"?! (This one is actually totally sincere)
- •BOTTOM LINE: This show makes me question my choice of industry & I am deeply, deeply offended by it... But I also am captivated & very entertained. Living contradiction, party of one. C'est la vie!