LIFE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM "CALIFORNICATION"

I have caught up on 3+ seasons of this aptly-titled show in as many days. I still have 1.5 to go so I'm sure all of this is really building towards some sort of greater moral lesson in the end.
  1. Every single woman you meet will want to fuck you
    Especially the ones who might be categorized as "WAY out of your league"...
  2. ...they also will be eager & willing to perform fellatio at all hours of the day/night
    Hot young studio execs will say things to Runkle like, "if you have a minute, I'd really like to suck your dick." Everything I know about my friends is a LIE!
  3. You will never, ever encounter a woman who is larger than a size 4
  4. Every woman over 16 and under 25 treats life like an audition for "Girls Gone Wild"
    *Hank's daughter clearly excepted.
  5. CAA is the enemy
    Talk shit about them & try to steal their hot gay clients. It's the honorable way.
  6. Agents at WME have a tendency to poop themselves
    Runkle may have started this rumor, but ultimately it probably contributed (spoiler alert!) to him signing Tyler... Although the "cock-slapping" incident probably helped more.
  7. If you are a famous writer, you will never run into traffic in LA
    & here I thought only Jack Bauer had that kind of superpower!
  8. Also, you will always be ready to make the quick trip from Venice to West Hollywood
    & by West Hollywood, I clearly mean Chateau Marmont.
  9. Every hot girl under 25 will immediately recognize you &/or throw themselves at you if you are a bad boy author
    If that's not an argument for becoming an English Major, then I don't know what is!
  10. A book called "Fucking & Punching" will immediately be stacked high in every bookstore window display
    Because who cares about "children" on the "sidewalk" being exposed to this unedited expletive!
  11. If you are a bald sex addict with a micro-peen, you will have no trouble bedding 100 hot women in less than a year
    See also: the frequency of unsolicited blow jobs
  12. There is absolutely zero downside to smoking more than a pack of Reds a day
    In fact, this will make you infinitely sexier
  13. There is no better way to get someone to sleep with you than to say "I'm not going to sleep with you"
  14. Rehab is a perfect place to take a vacation from your life
    There's cucumber water, an ocean view & a gorgeous pool surrounded by sunbathing model-types... Who's ready to go on a bender?
  15. The show's hair metal cameo game is *strong*
    This isn't really a lesson, but featuring Tommy Lee playing piano & Sebastian Bach in a casket/hologram really deserves a shoutout
  16. Feminists all hate men
    ...or, deep down, just want to be fucked by them
  17. Rob Lowe is a fucking genius & Eddie Nero needs a spin-off
    Can I get an "amen"?! (This one is actually totally sincere)
  18. BOTTOM LINE: This show makes me question my choice of industry & I am deeply, deeply offended by it... But I also am captivated & very entertained. Living contradiction, party of one. C'est la vie!