Because you know they don't believe you when you say you've got food poisoning.
  1. I just got a tinder match who identifies as feminist.
  2. I'm like fourteen episodes deep into Scandal right now.
  3. I'm getting fingernail implants.
  4. Sorry, my psychic told me to just do me this week.
  5. Oh, you haven't heard? It's the zombie apocaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
  6. I have a really good feeling about today's Maury and my DVR is full.
  7. My long lost great uncle just died and left me a treasure map to millions of dollars.
  8. I need to shave my cats.
  9. I don't want this job.
  10. I found a cockroach in my pantry and now I have to move.
  11. Sorry, I'm in a bidding war over a cross-stitch of Oprahs face.
  12. I'm dead.
  13. They're redoing the floors in the hallway of my apartment building and I'm trapped!
  14. I'm like, ten pages away from finishing my new novel, Susie Who Works in Retail.
  15. I still haven't properly mourned the loss of The Colbert Report.
  16. One of my friends just told me he has feelings for me and I need a day to just really figure out how I feel about it.
  17. It turns out I'm allergic to fluorescent lights. That's why I look so bad all the time.
  18. I need to camp outside the Apple Store for whatever they're releasing next. I need to be first.
  19. My dog is asleep on my lap and I don't want to wake him up.
  20. My otp finally hooked up on last nights episode and I need to write seven essays about it.
  21. I'm learning French. Bonjour.
  22. I've been on hold with Time Warner Cable for four hours and I can't give up now. Also, that's why I'm texting.
  23. My in-laws are coming over tonight and I told them I'd cook a turkey.
  24. I own a doll that comes to life when I leave the house.
  25. My doctor said I'm not getting enough sleep.
  26. The new gender-swapped Twilight is out and I need to compare and contrast.
  27. I'm recording a podcast.
  28. My ex just got a new partner and I'm trying to hack into their Facebook page.
  29. I'm in love with you.
  30. I need to go vote. It's a really small local election, I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it.
  31. I have an audition for Pirates of the Caribbean 17: Yo Ho, Yo Ho.
  32. I have an audition for a Pirates of the Caribbean porn parody called 'Yo, Hoes'
  33. I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
  34. There's a new update on Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
  35. My partner and I have been playing monopoly for twelve hours and if I leave, I lose.
  36. I just found out about Bill Cosby.
  37. I need to hide razor blades in all of my Halloween candy.
  38. My mom says I'm grounded.
  39. I started p90x yesterday and now I can't move.
  40. I have a coven meeting and I've missed two this month already.
  41. I'm so close to perfecting my homemade pumpkin spice bubble bath.
  42. Taylor Swift tickets go on sale at noon.
  43. My genital piercing is infected. Prove me wrong, I dare you.
  44. I can't stop taking Buzzfeed quizzes.
  45. Someone broke into my house overnight and stole all of my work clothes while I was sleeping.
  46. Therapy has brought out some repressed memories of gym class and I'm so mortified I can't get out from under my covers.
  47. It's my half-birthday.
  48. I'm busy sitting for an oil painting.
  49. I'm about to hit a thousand Twitter followers.
  50. I have coffee breath.