Experiences of a Luddite Pokémon Hunter

Alternate Title: Maybe I should Just Buy a Fitbit
  1. Day 1: Install App
    Everyone else installed it a week ago, maybe two.
  2. Day 2: Open App after kids are in bed
    Am freaked out by Pokémon in my house. It's the Disney Haunted Mansion all over again. Close app.
  3. Day 4: Breathe deeply
    Re-open app.
  4. Chase Pokémon into my kitchen
    Use up all of my balls trying to catch him (her?). Succeed eventually (and accidentally). Go to bed with the lights on.
  5. Day 6: Venture outdoors
    Walk around in circles looking into my phone trying to catch dastardly yellow creature who clearly hates me. Have no idea that I am out of balls.
  6. Am approached by man and his young son. They think I am distress.
    Explain that I am trying to catch a Pokémon. We laugh. I die silently of mortification. Close app.
  7. Day 7: Re-open app. Accidentally emit purple smoke
    Am surrounded by Pokémon. Take screen shot as evidence, in case this is how my life ends. Close app.
  8. Reopen app. Still surrounded.
    Close app.
  9. Day 7, evening: Do some research. Learn about incense and pokeball refill stations (pokestops).
    Close lights at bedtime, secure in the knowledge that Pokémon prefer the outdoors.
  10. Day 8: Venture out once again, excitedly find pokestop. Walk in circles around small establishment trying to release balls.
    Workers of family-run store contemplate calling the police.
  11. Am approached by hip twenty-something for directions. We help each other out.
    I have new balls! Elation!
  12. See Pokémon beside me
    Can't get him. Ball is frozen on the screen. Pounce on group of twenty-somethings walking by. Explain that I am old and confused. They don't disagree. Rethink my skin care regimen as they kindly show me how to restart app (frozen screen is not part of the game) and how to throw a ball.
  13. Catch a Pokémon!
    Nothing has ever felt so right. Call hair place and tell them that I am going to be a few minutes late for my appointment.
  14. Day 9: Allow my children to take turns holding the phone and spotting Pokémon
    Get looks from neighbours who think my kids are watching TV in the stroller/as they walk, and do not understand that I am keeping the neighbourhood safe.
  15. Husband calls to find out if the kids and I are ever coming home
    Tell him we are still without groceries but that we are on level 5.