Motherhood is

  1. Picking crumbs off your toddler's shirt. Mindlessly eating them.
  2. Ducking behind the kitchen island to eat a chocolate bar uninterrupted.
    Being found out because of your careless and overeager removal of the tinfoil wrapper.
  3. Delicately picking all of the cranberries and walnuts out of the cranberry walnut bread your children insisted they couldn't live without.
    And then watching them eat cereal instead
  4. A constantly expanding definition of what constitutes clean hair.
    Sorry, friends.
  5. Thinking up new and exciting ways to explain how babies are made without getting into penetration.
    "So how do the egg and sperm come together, mommy?" "Look! A bat!"
  6. Trying to explain to your Jewish children who Santa is, that he will never, ever visit and that they still have to be good.
  7. An annual (and intense) disagreement with your spouse about why your big-mouth kid has to believe in Santa even though you are Jews.
    I don't want my kid to be the one who ruins Christmas.
  8. Feeling like the love you have for the person who invented the bathroom lock might be deeper than the love you have for your spouse.
    Unless you are married to the person who invented the bathroom lock.
  9. A crazy cocktail of overwhelming gratitude, adoration, terror, exhaustion and elation.
    And sometimes rage.