Signs My Account Has Been Hacked

If you see any of the following, notify the authorities
  1. LOL or ROTFL at the end of a statement meant to be funny
    If I need to punctuate an attempted joke with these instructions, it needs some more work. And if something of yours does make me laugh out loud, I will tell you using *all* of the letters. You're worth it.
  2. Pictures of cute animals
    That doesn't mean I won't necessarily click on yours, I just like to use my Gratuitous Cuteness Tolerance Quota (GCTQ) for pictures of my cute children.
  3. #No filter or #blessed being used to do anything other than connote irony
    Incidentally, I don't even know how to use a filter
  4. Aggressively-worded comments about your political beliefs
    I might post a link to an article if we are super-close friends and I think that you are being a complete asshat, but for the most part, I don't feel like social media is the place to try to change people's minds. I might unfollow you though.
  5. Chain letters
    Sweet Jesus. I briefly blocked my mother because of these things (because I am just superstitious enough that simply deleting them stresses me out). What can I say? The crazy apple doesn't fall far from the crazy tree.
  6. Shots of me making a duck face in a bikini
    One of my Facebook friends is constantly posting photos of her duck face and her cleavage (and other body parts). She is very pretty and looks great, and I'm sure her husband and young daughters are super-proud, but it's just not for me.
  7. Motivational posters/motivational quotes/things Oprah said
    If you see this, the hacker is my mom.
  8. Claims that I am the son of the deposed king of Nigeria in need of money