CAREER MOVES MY AGENT SUGGESTED I TRY

  1. Getting bangs.
    Literally this only looks good on models in the mid 2000's, who were in a lot of strange Italian fashion magazines, or Zooey Deschanel.
  2. Dating Leonardo Dicaprio
    If your agent hasn't suggested you "reach out to him" at 1 Oak, are you even a semi-famous model? He turned me down for a blonde who had one page in Sports Illustrated last year.
  3. Starring in a music video
    Sure, let's have me frolic in a field with a rockstar, while he awkwardly serenades me in front of a giant crew. Oh, and let's put some loose waves in my hair and a flower crown on top while we're at it.
  4. Taking acting classes
    I had to pay for them and the tall girl will never get the leading role. They just put me in more debt and a deeper state of embarrassment.
  5. Dating an athlete
    I said I would only do it if it was a tennis player, but they said it had to be either basketball or baseball. I picked basketball, because their games are indoors. Also, I knew some of the cheerleaders.
  6. Shaving all my hair off.
    Am I an A-list actress? No. Also, I'm not and will never be as cool as Sinéad O'Connor and please don't ask me to become a singer.
  7. Becoming a yoga instructor
    You said it was "for my health," but I know it was so I could lose that extra inch.
  8. Bleaching my eyebrows
    And it wasn't even for @Vogue.