EXCUSES FOR MY ABSENCE

  1. I went on a juice cleanse but it ended abruptly after I got drunk at 1Oak and got $1 pizza with a promoter and now I just moved to the Hamptons.
  2. I joined Equinox and have been taking selfies in the mirror.
  3. I bought a bunch of followers on Instagram and have been trying to handle my newfound fame.
  4. I got a sponsorship deal with a top kale producer. I might become a lifestyle brand.
  5. I went to Ibiza for a club appearance and got lost in the dark restroom.
  6. My casting ran late.
  7. I was shooting a music video for a b-level rapper. He's my boyfriend now.
  8. I'm becoming an actress and it's really hard to memorize all these lines.
  9. I've been looking for pants that will fit me.
  10. I killed the Russian.