HOW TO BECOME A MODEL

  1. 1.
    Make sure your future parents are giants.
  2. 2.
    Have a strange genetic combination that makes you look like an alien.
  3. 3.
    Get made fun of during your childhood.
  4. 4.
    Go to the mall to look for jeans that are long enough.
  5. 5.
    Find some.
  6. 6.
    Take the woman's business card who says, "Call me," even though you don't want to.
  7. 7.
    But you do.
  8. 8.
    Sign a contract.
  9. 9.
    Do a test shoot.
  10. 10.
    Do a bad test shoot.
  11. 11.
    Do fifteen more bad test shoots.
  12. 12.
    Book some Japanese catalogs.
  13. 13.
    Never see the money.
  14. 14.
    Go to New York.
  15. 15.
    Book some unpaid editorials for "exposure."
  16. 16.
    Join Instagam.
  17. 17.
    Take a selfie.
  18. 18.
    Get in debt.
  19. 19.
    Try to get out of debt.
  20. 20.
    Give up and marry a banker from Goldman Sachs.
  21. 21.
    Have your wedding featured in the New York Times.
  22. 22.
    Birth three children and bounce back immediately after every birth.
  23. 23.
    Become president of the PTA.
  24. 24.
    Get hit on by your children's teachers.
  25. 25.
    Become convinced to "get back into modeling," by your old agent.
  26. 26.
    Become a lifestyle model.
  27. 27.
    Find out your husband is having an affair with the nanny, a model.
  28. 28.
    Get a divorce.
  29. 29.
    Marry a retired athlete.
  30. 30.
    Become the host of a day-time talk show.
  31. 31.
    Still never get the money from Japan.