HEY BEN WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

It's a good question – because I am married… But things always seem to happen to my wedding rings…
  1. I hung myself.
    Yes you read that right. Married at 21, my wife and I purchased basic silver wedding bands from a "hippie" jewelry store. A few years later I was rushing down the stairs and my ring caught on the railing and my feet went WHOOSH out from under me, and for a second I was suspended in air by my ring finger. The damage so my finger? Minimal. The damage to the ring? Severe. It now was a teardrop shape.
  2. It got hit by an SUV.
    Again, totally true. My aforementioned bride bought me a new tungsten ring. But she bought one size too big. On the Internet. No returns. And you can't resize tungsten. So I lost it. Often. It slipped off my finger into the washing machine. It slipped off my finger while I was sleeping. And once I was gesturing with my left hand in the YMCA parking lot and the ring flew off my hand and was hit by an SUV. Miraculously I saw it happen and found it afterward, with a small crack it.
  3. I lost it while dodging a repo man.
    Same tungsten ring. Long story about the repo man (I owed $30 in late fees on a car I had paid off years earlier) but after hiding the car from him, I was climbing fences and cutting thru backyards and after I got home I realized I'd lost it AGAIN. so, I bought a cheap silver costume jewelry ring at Walmart. Purveyor of suuuuuper high quality wedding bands.
  4. I got fat.
    No long story here. The costume jewelry ring is domed on the inside and cuts into my finger because I weigh about 30 lbs more than I did when I bought it. So until I'm thin enough to not suffer weird grooves, I'm ring-less. Or maybe I should buy a new ring...