THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY OF THE TIME I WAS ARRESTED VOL. 1

Some of this will seem fucking ridiculous.
  1. It all starts with me being lazy.
  2. I don't like to renew my license plates. I don't know why.
  3. I've been pulled over numerous times with expired tags.
  4. One particular time my tags had been expired for two years.
    I know I know. What's wrong with me?
  5. My moms sister called me. My uncle had passed away.
    Oh dang. When's the service? Friday night? Ok I'll be there.
  6. Minutes later my father called. My cousin had passed away.
    Jesus. When is the service? Saturday? Ok I'll be there.
  7. Now I live in cincy. Southwest Ohio. The funerals were in northwest Ohio and northeast Ohio.
    Ok I can do this. I'll spend the night in my hometown with my brother.
  8. So we attend the funeral Friday night. We go to a bar. It was an ok night - I hadn't seen my family in a while.
  9. However.
  10. We decide to drive my car to the other funeral because it's nicer and I don't want to smell like smoke. Because my brother is gross and he smokes.
    I know, right?
  11. An hour into our journey thru small town Ohio, I pass a sheriff who IMMEDIATELY turns his lights on
  12. My brother is concerned "what did you do?!"
    He doesn't know about my license sitch.
  13. Long story short my car is impounded. I was ticketed for expired plates AND fictitious plates (oops, I forgot the plates were actually for my Ford Focus I'd gotten rid of three years earlier)
    I omitted a couple things I'll add now. My brother Josh and I started to walk home. In August. Dressed in suits. Down the middle of a country highway. We were waiting for our younger brother Nick to come pick us up. He apparently had a bird (or more likely, large bug) fly into his car on the way and almost died.
  14. Now, in small town Ohio, these offenses require a court appearance.
    I'm scheduled for the following Monday.
  15. I'm over three hours away from Cincinnati.
  16. Unfortunately Monday I'm in Texas for a job interview.
    I call the court to let them know and they tell me a warrant has been issued for my arrest.
  17. They are unwilling to work with me.
  18. So I reschedule my appearance for the next week
    BUT my new job sends me to GEORGIA! For a week.
  19. Now that I've skipped two appearances there is a statewide alert issued for my arrest.
  20. I'm pulled over in Cincinnati. I'm outside of the "transfer radius" so they let me go.
  21. I'm pulled over in Dayton. I'm outside of the "transfer radius" so they let me go.
  22. A year goes by and I'm trying to renew my license. They tell me I'm going to continue to get pulled over until I clear this, AND if I run into a cop who had nothing better to do, he may arrest me.
  23. I drive up to small town Ohio. I walk into the sheriff's office and say "I'm here to surrender myself."
    This apparently doesn't happen. The clerk has NO idea how to process this information. She goes and gets someone, there is some hushed talking and then a female officer comes out, looks me up and down and says "uh, I guess I'll handcuff you?"
  24. Ok. Then what?
    Then we'll process you.
  25. So I'm cuffed. Walked over to the jail. Put in a holding cell.
    I spend 11 minutes in jail.
  26. I'm released and given a new court date for the following Monday.
    They ask me if I'm actually going to show up. I make a joke. They're not pleased. There is a conversation about keeping me over the weekend. I smile at my arresting officer. She laughs. My brother, Nick, takes a picture of me handcuffed at my request. (This picture has apparently been scrubbed from the interwebs. Trust me. I've looked ALL OVER for it.) Im uncuffed and released.
  27. Post-script.
    I show up to my court date wearing a suit. I'm the only one dressed up. They ask how I plead. I say no contest but with a caveat. Judge laughs. Says, "ok what?" Well. I'm charged with expired and fictitious plates. Seems redundant. If they're fictitious, why does it matter they're expired? He thinks for a moment and says "you're right."
  28. $50.
  29. SERIOUSLY, ALL THAT FOR $50?!?!
  30. UPDATE- my little brother still had the pic on his phone. BOOM.