THINGS I DO THAT BUG MY WIFE

We've been together since 1997, we have three kids, four dogs and four cats. We live in a really large old home on Cincinnati's west side. Some of these would cause most women to leave immediately. She stays. What can I say?
  1. I get OBSESSED with apps.
    You know, kinda like this. Or Twitter. Or Simpsons tapped out. Or kitten cannon. I got addicted to solitaire. SOLITAIRE.
  2. I don't always close my mouth when I chew
    She would probably say I NEVER do. But she's wrong. And a liar.
  3. I can "pick up" a room and be pretty satisfied.
    Picking up is not cleaning. Why didn't you take these shoes upstairs? Did you do the Windows? The stairs are part of this room. Why didn't you wash the last two pans? Etc.
  4. I blow my burp away from my face
    I mean, come on. I don't want to smell it. To her this is "gross." To me this is "normal."
  5. I can sit and watch tv with the kids for way too long
    I don't really care about tv. But I find kids cartoons hilarious. Snd if the boy wants to watch 18 episodes of looney tunes or Clarence or Regular show, I'm in.
  6. I say phrases she hates
    I'm not allowed to say, "sucks to be you," or "chewie-chomp." The former for obvious reasons. The latter I think was from South Park.
  7. I lose and gain weight super easily.
    I can give something up for a week and drop like 15 lbs. but then I eat one plate of cheese fries and I'm wearing a muumuu to work.
  8. I got a higher ACT score than her in 1995
    And I bring it up any time I can. Take that, valedictorian.
  9. I very rarely wake myself up
    I mean, why would I? She's right there. She sets her alarm. Wakes me up. My alarm is redundant.
  10. I challenge her on appropriate uses of words
    She's an English teacher. She hates this.
  11. Sometimes I'm right about appropriate uses of words.
    This will get me the silent treatment.
  12. And there are probably others but I'm done shaming myself for the day. 😂😂😂