MADE UP REASONS YOU'RE AT PDX ON A WEEKLY BASIS
For the guy you always buy snacks from, who has started to recognize you. When you don't want to explain you're coming to take care of an ailing parent.
- •Family -- my wife’s niece is getting married, and I’m the officiant. She’s a real bridezilla, so I keep having to come out for multiple rehearsals and consultations on decor. She’s a lifter and wants to carry a bouquet of dumbbells instead of flowers, can you believe that? What do you mean you don’t think women can be lifters? You’re sexist.
- •Business -- I run a business where I craft all-organic artisan silk reusable tampons and sell them on Etsy. My silkworm setup is in a basement in Portland’s Chinatown. What do you mean you didn’t know Portland had a Chinatown? You’re racist.
- •Art -- just say "I'm an artist," and don't say anything else.
- •Boobs -- just show your boobs. Don't say anything else.
- •Crime -- (Be sure to look all around you before you lean in close and whisper. Use big air quotes where indicated.) You're here to see "connections" who can move some "merchandise" on your behalf. Ask if he knows anyone interested in making more money. Maybe someone who works in a "high traffic" area. Wink emphatically.