THINGS PATIENTS SAY THAT DOCTORS NATURALLY INTERPRET TO MEAN THE EXACT OPPOSITE

  1. "I have a high pain tolerance."
    Translation: "I have no tolerance for pain whatsoever."
  2. "So there I was, minding my own business..."
    Translation: "So there I was, engaged in extremely sketchy/dangerous/probably illegal activities..."
  3. "I've done a lot of my own research on this issue."
    Translation: "I clicked on a link that a friend posted on Facebook last week."
  4. "I have no idea how it got up there."
    Translation: "You do not want to know how it got up there."
  5. "I really don't want to take an antibiotic, but..."
    Translation: "ENOUGH WITH THIS 'VIRUS' BULLSHIT-- GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW, DOC."
  6. "I'm not a hypochondriac, but..."
    Stop it. You're totally a hypochondriac.