I should market these.
  1. Only eat green foods
    They're all healthy. Green means life. Green gummy bears and pistachio ice cream count here.
  2. Stick to the ABC diet
    "Already been chewed!" With the combination of bad dad pun and penguin vomit-feeding-style, you will lose your appetite constantly. Bring on the size 2 dresses, ladies.
  3. Read up on bioterrorism plots of the past
    You'll start to imagine more possible bioterrorism coming your way and never want to eat anything you didn't grow yourself!
  4. Limit yourself to 1200 calories a day BUT ALSO 12 meals a day
    Each meal can only be 100 calories and you will feel like you NEVER STOP EATING and voila you are losing weight but not starving.
  5. Only eat food your toddler can pronounce
    If you don't have a toddler, find one to FaceTime during meals. Also known as the chicken nugget diet.
  6. Sing along with Adele albums while you eat
    19 for breakfast, 21 for lunch, 25 for dinner. So much food will spray out of your mouth while you belt along with her... maybe invest in ponchos for your family members though.
  7. Use the top of the food pyramid
    They put the best on top, right? Bring on the fats and sugars!
  8. Eat all meals with Tim Gunn
    I imagine he will yell at you and wave his wrists at whatever unhealthy thing you have in front of you and inspire you to eat something totally different