I'm only 5 or 6 weeks in so this li'l baby is in no way a sure thing, but A) it's destroying me like an alien, so we're gonna talk about it and B) I don't know any of you listerines in real life, so let's risk it
  1. You can google all symptoms!
    Oh good, cramps are normal! Unless you have TOO MANY cramps. Then miscarriage is coming for you again. Oh good, being thirsty is normal! Unless your thirst is UNQUENCHABLE. Then prepare yourself for another MC. Okay put away the computer
  2. You can find other pregos to bond with!
    Hi, Bump-Month-Club! Oh we're all so cute and full of camaraderie! Oh wait... that lady unleashed her pregnant bitch hormones... oh god, she set off a chain reaction... okay close the computer, close it now
  3. You can shop online!
    Good grief that is the CUTEST onesie I've ever seen! Totally worth $25 to start a Harry Potter themed wardrobe! Oh right, the baby won't be a size 6-months for very long. And it will barf and poop all day. And I literally don't understand how maternity leave works or how much daycare costs sooooo you do not have $25 extra plus shipping, do not click Proceed to Checkout, STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
  4. You can quickly check what you're allowed to eat!
    Eggs and fruit. That is the answer. That is all. Why does it take 40 weeks to grow this creature?! :( I'm queasy when I don't eat and barfy when I do! #AlreadyHungryAgain I don't even like sprouts or sushi that much, but I miss them on the PRINCIPLE of it all. Oh look a food ad just popped up, I don't know whether to run to the toilet or lick the screen. CLOSE COMPUTER phew
  5. You can get judged by other mothers for all of your parenting choices!
    JK this watermelon seed I swallowed is stuck inside until February so I WILL ACCEPT NONE OF YOUR COMMENTARY UNTIL I'M OFFICIALLY A MOTHER, INTERNET
  6. (More to come)
    But not really because Pregnancy Brain has already hit and it's very likely I'll forget I wrote this list