I don't know if you've heard the rumors but women have a thing that happens when they properly use condoms and don't mix too much whiskey with their birth control. Sometimes it happens on weekends fucking up plans.
  1. Don't leave my apartment
  2. Fall asleep with white cheddar cheese blocks
  3. Sort laundry but wash nothing but panties and pajamas.
  4. Favorite and then immediately unfavorite 12-17 guys on Okcupid.
  5. Ignore all texts except those from Grubhub and Instacart.
  6. Proceed to attempt to pop every pimple that arrives on my face