1. Is it bigger than a breadstick?
  2. Did it give you that blister on your lip?
  3. When you think about it for more than 20 seconds does it leave you with a sense of existential dread?
  4. Is it more than 10,000 light years away?
  5. Did John McEnroe yell at him during the 1981 Wimbledon semifinal?
  6. Does it have a tendency to leave you with an erection lasting longer than four hours?
  7. Did he come after King Akhenaten?
  8. Is he hotter than Vladimir Putin?
  9. Does it taste like kombucha?
  10. Is it...ugh what's his name...you know, son of God, second of the holy trinity...Jesus Christ why can't I remember his name!!?
  11. Does it have the consistency of silly putty?
  12. Is it one of my ex-husbands?
  13. Is it *like* gravel?