1. "Do you know that your music is playing through your phone speakers?"
    Maybe you just think that loud, tasteless music follows you mysteriously everywhere you go. It doesn't. That is your phone. But some headphones.
  2. "What are you reading and how do I find out without seeming extra creepy?"
    Furthermore, why is it that roughly half of the women on the train are reading while only about a tenth of the men are? Books should not be a gendered activity.
  3. "What is in your backpack, the entire 1995 Encyclopedia Britannica set?"
    Backpacks should have sensory connections to the wearer because you clearly do not understand how much extra space you take up while wearing one. Or hey, maybe just take it off and put it between your feet when you get on the train! Increased visibility of your valuable belongings and less use of everyone else's three-dimensional space.
  4. "I know I ride the train with you every day, so are we like...friends, or...what?"
    Public transit friends are hard to maintain. At any moment, one of you could acquire a vehicle and be set free from the purgatory of a transportation system that is treated as a last resort for low income households instead of a public good that serves to curtail carbon emissions and provides a convenient, pleasant commuting experience for everyone.
  5. "Would you tell me what it is about football that makes people so freaking crazy?"
    Because there are one-godamn-million, jersey-wearing people in this train car, 80% of you are drunk, and 100% of you are ridiculous to me. Is it the concussions? Is it the average 10 minutes of action per 3 hours of "game"? Is it the poor naming choice of the sport? If you are going to keep assaulting my late night commute with belligerent shouting and stale beer smell, I need to know.