Celebrities I Like, But It Would Never Work Out
I saw @kendallbartels list, & had to do my own. I legitimately think of this stuff all the time.
- •Alexander SkarsgardHe's my first Hollywood boyfriend. As my first Hollywood relationship, my ego gets massive and I become convinced I can do better. Though we both know the truth. I end things after flirting with Idris Elba (though Idris won't take my calls). In the hopes of getting some fame from the relationship I tell the media EVERYTHING about Alex.
- •Tom HiddlestonAfter his messy & inevitable break up with T Swift, her new number one chart topper is "I Hate You Low-Key". Tom will do anything to escape this PR nightmare, including dating me. We date for 2 glorious months, 1 month & 2 weeks longer than Swiddleston lasted. He's bothered by the fact that I hate Shakespeare & tennis, his two favorite things. Nonetheless, I'm the one who ends it because he cries everytime we have sex. Not after, DURING.
- •Nick JonasHe was the first man I really PINED for back when I was like 13, so this relationship is so exciting for me. At first it's fun & games. I convince him to let me sing on a track, which ruins his career. We break up because he's super controlling and wants me to change everything about myself. And also he caught me sleeping with a cardboard cut out of him from his JoBro days once.
- •Kevin SpaceyWhen he asks me to stop calling him Mr.President I instead call him President Underwood. He breaks up with me after 3 months of telling me to just call him Kevin.
- •Donald GloverWe both have a really hard time balancing all of our jobs AND seeing each other. We both become convinced the other one is cheating. After we break up, Donald writes a song calling me out on everything. I don't like to admit this, but it's a super catchy song that I often work out to. "You say you're busy, you're watching Mindy. You say you're selfless, more like selfish. It's why you don't eat shell fish".
- •Leonardo DiCaprioI get too old for him. Also, I don't recycle.
- •Michael FassbenderAt first things are great. Better than great. We get caught up in a whirlwind of romance and passion that moves far too fast. After only 4 months we're engaged. It's not until the wedding day that I realize Michael's partying is too out of control. I mean, if you show up drunk to your own wedding there's a problem. I give him an ultimatum...he chooses booze & Alicia. Good choice.
- •Quentin TarantinoHe's my mentor, I'm his new muse. Professional and personal boundaries get crossed. We break up because my mother doesn't want her grandchildren to look like him. It was all worth it though for all of the Oscar wins that come out of the film we make.
- •Liam HemsworthAfter Liam & Miley end things for the 4th time, Liam decides to try something a little tamer. Who's tamer than me?! We date for 7 whole months, but by month 2 it's like we're an old couple sick of pretending to like each other. He misses the excitement of Miley. After going on vacation to Australia solo (because I hate big bugs), he admits to me that he & Miley hooked up there. I tell him I'll forgive him, but he breaks up with me. I officiate their wedding 3 months later.
- •Mindy KalingWe're both experimenting, but not totally happy with the results. She hates that I don't shave down there & constantly ask "did you deliver any babies today?". We stay close friends.
- •ASAP RockyWe have fun. He introduces me to a world I'm not familiar with. And I get caught up in the partying. Most of our relationship is just partying together & posting douchey photos of our relationship on IG, but after awhile he gets bored of me for obvious reasons. And I'm offended and self conscious of all the hot women he hangs around. We break up 3 hours after the BET awards.
- •Scott EastwoodI don't care that he's kind of douchey, he doesn't care that I'm medically insane. But his parents can't stand me. We try to ignore them, because our love is stronger, but eventually Scott decides he doesn't want to be left out of the will. Understandable.
- •Ilana GlazerNever dated, but have made out at like 6 parties.
- •Michael B JordanThis actually has the makings of a wonderful relationship. We get married after dating for 3 years. The relationship starts to fall apart after I hit on Kyle Chandler at a party. I also demand an answer for what happened to Vince after Friday Night Lights ended, but he doesn't have an answer. We try counselling & I suggest having a baby to fix our problems, but Michael suggests a divorce. I come to terms with most likely being an old maid forever.
- •James FrancoIt takes a lot of convincing (and I mean A LOT), but after years of stalking me I finally give the guy a chance. We never get married, but date for nearly 30 years before calling it quits.