SJ PASTA THAT @CAROLINESCHWARTZ WOULD EAT EVERY DAY IF CALORIES DIDN'T EXIST

Courtesy of a list request by @sally - most likely inspired by the genius list by @carolineschwartz.
  1. Okay, you probably have a lot of questions. What's SJ pasta? Who's Caroline? Why do calories exist? Is the fact that we quantified food proof that science is trying to crush the joys and mysteries of life!!!??? Or is it the way we used the science to encourage juice cleanses the culprit!? IS THIS HOW THE CREATORS OF THE ATOMIC BOMB FELT!?!?
  2. CALM YOURSELF.
  3. The rest of these questions will be answered later, but for now all you need to know is that Caroline is my roommate and SJ Pasta is a cuisine from the Gods that you will soon know how to make for yourself.
  4. Let me set the scene for you: it's Monday. It's slightly overcast, which in Los Angeles might as well be reason to give up. You brought lunch to work to be money and health conscious but the sack of baby carrots just aren't cutting it. You leave work hungry and in an existential despair. Sh*t's bleak.
  5. Lo, your roommate has texted you: "Bachelor tonight?" Suddenly, euphoria. It's ladies night, and you've got a recently divorced Chris Harrison and a sea of indiscernible women to judge awaiting you.
  6. This is so gosh darn exciting that you feel a great need from deep within you, an almost ancestral pull-- you shall make SJ pasta tonight.
  7. A side note: Yes, I am the eponym of SJ Pasta. Sort of like John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich: http://bit.ly/1K5owZf - it's an incredible responsibility to bear.
  8. You rush to the Ralph's and purchase: rotini pasta, an onion, minced garlic, 1lb of ground spicy sausage, a box of pre-washed spinach, a cup of half and half, a cup of grated Romano cheese, dried basil, dried oregano, dried thyme, chili flakes, salt, and pepper.
  9. SMASH CUT: you're in the kitchen. You've already changed into your pants with the most flexible waistband so we don't need to detail that part.
  10. BOOM. Pot full of water's on to boil. BOOM. Onions chopped. BOOM. Garlic's minced. BOOM. You're breaking up the sausage in a deep frying pan as it browns. WHO ARE YOU, RACHEL RAY OVER HERE!?!?
  11. Toss in that onion, toss in that garlic, sure! Do it with a little flair! ✨✨ now the spices, ALL OF THEM, GO WILD! Recipe says "to taste" and you've got a palate that just won't quit!!!!
  12. Now careful, it's time to shift gears-- meats all browned, spices filling the air, you gotta make sure your cat Arthur doesn't get up in this sh*t. Time to mix in that spinach, yes all that spinach, you know it's gonna shrink as fast as a positive popular opinion on Bill Cosby once it wilts in the pan.
  13. Okay about now that water should be boiled. Go ahead and put the pasta in, set that timer for al dente because we're fancy
  14. Back to your meat pan (also a nice name for a feminist punk band) - time to put in the half and half. Put in about a cup - maybe more if you're feeling it. DO NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR SKIM MILK. DO NOT DRAIN THE FAT FROM THE MEAT. This isn't the Great Depression, this is a Dove Soap marketing campaign and we don't care about freaking calories!!!
  15. Put a cup of that cheese in right away- you can put in more a this too. Stir it on up until the whole thing is a glistening cheese sauce.
  16. Drain that pasta, yo.
  17. Mix it all together and revel in this pristine moment.
  18. Now it's time to eat. You and Caroline each start out with one bowl--- oh just one bowl for me thanks--- but it quickly goes downhill. You're losing count of how much you had. You're feeling sweaty. Caroline is doubled over in pain but keeps shoving it in.
  19. You're getting delusional from the fullness- you can barely hear which of the two non-white girls got cut the first rose ceremony, but throughout it all you feel a sense of inner peace.
  20. Why? Because, my friend. For tonight, at least in this moment, this moment between you and the pasta, calories don't exist. They just don't. F*cking. Exist.
  21. PS you can toss in more stuff that's good if you want to play around with it. I've tried sundried tomatoes, green peppers, and zucchini all with good results 👍
  22. Fin.