1. Phoebe from Friends
    I just kinda feel like she wouldn't let me do anything.
  2. DJ Tanner from Full House
    She'd act like she knows everything and then fuck up something important like dropping a wedding ring down the drain or lying to her dad about buying a horse.
  3. The Hound from Game of Thrones
    The plus side is that he'd be down to get absolutely smashed with me, but then he'd make me feel really bad about myself for having a second slice of cake at lunch the next day and who needs that? Not me. We're on vacation.
  4. The second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince
    She will just never be as good as the first one and I wouldn't be able to get that off my mind.
  5. Jerry from Parks and Rec
  6. The entire cast of Pretty Little Liars
    Shut up with your quirky little remarks after every sentence that you'd NEVER actually be able to come up with on the spot. Just shut up. I hate all of you.
  7. College Ted from How I Met Your Mother
    He'd probably force me to "find myself" which I have no desire to do. I'd rather wallow in my self hatred alone.
  8. Bloody Face from American Horror Story
    I'm imagining a lot of long talks about my mental well being at a juice bar by the beach, which wouldn't be so awful if it didn't probably end with me being skinned alive and turned into a lamp.