1. Phoebe from Friends
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    I just kinda feel like she wouldn't let me do anything.
  2. DJ Tanner from Full House
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    She'd act like she knows everything and then fuck up something important like dropping a wedding ring down the drain or lying to her dad about buying a horse.
  3. The Hound from Game of Thrones
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    The plus side is that he'd be down to get absolutely smashed with me, but then he'd make me feel really bad about myself for having a second slice of cake at lunch the next day and who needs that? Not me. We're on vacation.
  4. The second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince
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    She will just never be as good as the first one and I wouldn't be able to get that off my mind.
  5. Jerry from Parks and Rec
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    Obviously.
  6. The entire cast of Pretty Little Liars
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    Shut up with your quirky little remarks after every sentence that you'd NEVER actually be able to come up with on the spot. Just shut up. I hate all of you.
  7. College Ted from How I Met Your Mother
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    He'd probably force me to "find myself" which I have no desire to do. I'd rather wallow in my self hatred alone.
  8. Bloody Face from American Horror Story
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    I'm imagining a lot of long talks about my mental well being at a juice bar by the beach, which wouldn't be so awful if it didn't probably end with me being skinned alive and turned into a lamp.