HOW TO FINALLY GET IN SHAPE

  1. 1.
    Drink lots of water
  2. 2.
    Start prepping all your meals on Sunday
    The slow-cooker is your new best friend!
  3. 3.
    Find a gym that's on the way to your school/work
  4. 4.
    Fall in love
  5. 5.
    Get dumped
  6. 6.
    Text her sometimes
  7. 7.
    Think about her new boyfriend and his chiseled abs
  8. 8.
    Think about how horrible it would be to run into them on the street
  9. 9.
    Stare at yourself naked in the mirror until the thought of her new boyfriend's body makes you want to throw yourself through the shower door
  10. 10.
    Go to the gym
  11. 11.
    Cry a little
  12. 12.
    Go back to the gym
  13. 13.
    Repeat steps 10-12 until you can outrun/outlift every guy you think is better looking than you at the gym
  14. 14.
    Watch Rocky IV
  15. 15.
    Grow a beard
  16. 16.
    Put a picture of your ex on your bedroom mirror just so you can tear it down like Rocky in Rocky IV
  17. 17.
    Accidentally run into your ex and her new boyfriend and realize how much you've grown since you broke up and how good it is to see her happy again
  18. 18.
    And also secretly steal her phone (because you still remember her iPhone passcode) and send yourself all the pictures of her boyfriend at the beach and then wonder how you could know for sure that you're more sexually attractive than him
  19. 19.
    Make two new Tinder accounts, one for you and one for your ex's boyfriend, to see who gets more messages using only topless photos
  20. 20.
    Get confronted by your ex's boyfriend about the Tinder account. Convince him this is the only way to settle your differences.
  21. 21.
    Get confronted by your ex. Deny, deny, deny!
  22. 22.
    Confess, apologize, and agree to drop the whole thing
  23. 23.
    Except now you realize you've been responding to messages from his fake Tinder account and now you have to assume his identity because it's too late to turn back now
  24. 24.
    Lead a double life and never reveal your true identity
  25. 25.
    No junk food!