What It's Like to Be Addicted to Fantasy Football

Aka be me
  1. You wake up and immediately check the app for score updates. If your projected points go down, you feel a dark cloud begin to hover over you for the rest of the day
  2. If there was a game the day/night before, you read every expert analysis of it until you find the one that justifies your feelings completely
    "I KNEW that Brees was just having an off day and that he really is just entering the prime of his career at the tender age of 72. Thanks, Brian, from The Cranston Rhode Island Daily Observer Journal."
  3. You start to fantasize scenarios in which the opposing team's players all contract food borne illnesses.
    Debilitating, but not permanent, so they'll be fine to play against the next team
  4. Unless, of course, they have someone on your favorite team you support, in which case you feel your soul start to actually tear into two warring parts
  5. You review the league standings as they are, as they will be if everyone gets projected points, as they will be if everyone has an upset, as they will be as your heart thinks it should be, as they will be if the food borne illness dream should become reality, etc
  6. You have a mild panic attack
  7. You realize that it is just a game and you are being a little ridiculous
  8. You text your friend that is equally obsessed which just renews your vigor and commitment to this game
    Also, you now want them to recount everything that THEY'VE seen that morning, so you've definitely wasted hours
  9. You start to think you have actually authority in these games at all
    "No, they'll definitely put Blount in during the first quarter. Why? Because, well, it just makes sense." (It doesn't make sense.)
  10. You have an aneurism wondering why people in the league haven't updated their rosters yet.
    WHAT ARE THEY DOING? WORKING OR SOMETHING??
  11. You puke waiting for kickoff
  12. You eat a disgusting amount of nachos in an effort to lessen the tight ball of anxiety that has settled in your chest
    You better have queso. You'll need it.
  13. You lament the fact that you don't have Red Zone, but take comfort in the fact that all the money you're saving on it will go towards a custom trophy you're investing in after your team wins the season
  14. You update the app so often that your battery loses power at an alarming rate. You close out of all other apps and turn on power-saving mode.
    Sorry, e-mails, phone calls, texts from anyone other than people in the league. This is a fantasy phone in every way imaginable now
  15. As your team starts to pull ahead, you develop balls of steel and start crassly calling out other members of the league in the most inhumane way possible
    The 'Auto Smack!' Feature helps you when you're not feeling particularly creative. ("Anna is a chump!")
  16. As your team loses, you find yourself wondering if it all was a cruel joke
    I thought "It Gets Better"????? It never will now though
  17. You should've gotten Red Zone, you'll never get a trophy with a record like this
  18. Oh wait, you're winning?! The world really IS a beautiful place
  19. Revel in your victory for approximately three seconds before thinking about next week's game. Oh fuck