LAME FIREWORKS APPRECIATION
Woe is the lowly legal consumer firework, the cone, the wheel, the sparkler and snake, only capable of impressing anyone under 5 or the influence of mushrooms. CAUTION: Emits showers of disappointing nostalgia.
- •Black SnakesWhat is the witchcraft that combines fire with a black pellet to produce this stringy growth of charred devil poo? This was probably the first time my parents allowed me to light something on fire, extremely low risk of danger and fun. Take me away, sodium bicarbonate.
- •TNT PoppersReally more of a year round post-war era "prank" than a firework, worth keeping on hand for when your one friend who's jumpy AF comes over.
- •Sparkle ConesBest enjoyed by riding your Huffy through the spark shower for a patriotic tingling effect.
- •FountainsThe only real difference between cones and fountains are the names, fountains being named after variations of crystal meth.
- •Spinning WheelsA venerable and grand Chinese tradition reduced to a pitiful but albeit somewhat unpredictable twirly pack of cigarette butts. Most of the fun comes from the one out of five spinning wheels that flies into the crowd and singes someone's jorts.
- •SparklersTranscendent joy for the holder but comes with a stern warning: Do not look at anyone else holding a sparkler or you will become acutely aware of how lame this indie darling really is.