PRETZEL SHAPES, RANKED

  1. 1.
    STICKS
    Streamlined for mass consumption, the pretzel stick may be the perfect snack, the french fry of processed munchies. You can eat handfuls at a time, you can dip them, you can reenact Lady and the Tramp's spaghetti scene with someone, you can stick them under your lips and ARF like a walrus, all with virtually no crumb droppage thanks to their efficient snack-hole shape and minimal interior meat.
  2. 2.
    TWISTS (small)
    Twists get all their clout from the classic single bite shape. Lands on the tongue with very little cheek or gum poke and great to chomp into. Really close to sticks in the rankings but slight edge to sticks because of how much faster you can eat them.
  3. 3.
    RODS
    Rods are absolutely ridiculous and I love them. Sticks on steroids, they would be perfect except for the massive crumb dump they drop all over your shirt while you chipmunk them down. Still, fantastic for dipping, perfect salt and lots of soft pretzel meat inside which means they're easy on the gums. This is basically a pretzel steak.
  4. 4.
    TWISTS (large)
    Absolute murder on the gums, somehow these always seem over baked and under salted. Not unlike biting into a dinner plate and having it shatter in your mouth. Not recommended.
  5. 5.
    NUGGETS
    Purely a marketing gimmick to sell over-flavored bits and pieces, AKA sweepings from other pretzels that broke into pieces on the factory floor. Don't fall for nuggs, you're basically buying their garbage.