I was riding my bike with my son yesterday and yelled at him that if he didn't stop slapping me in the back I was going to press the red "eject" button on the back of his bike seat and send him into space where it was cold and dark and smelled bad. He immediately stopped and I realized I had become that dad, which is probably most dads.
  1. How do they know the load limit on bridges, dad?
    They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge.
  2. Dad, why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
    If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.
  3. How do bank machines work?
    Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
  4. Why does ice float?
    Because it's cold. I've wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun.
  5. When are we going to get a Christmas tree?
    Oh I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it.
  6. Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all of the opportunities you botched?
    If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy.
  7. Dad, what causes wind?
    Trees sneezing.
  8. Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
    Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white back then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s and it was pretty grainy color for a while too.
  9. Well then why are old paintings in color? If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
    Not necessarily, a lot of great artists were insane.
  10. How come you know so much?
    It's all in the book you get when you become a father.