WHAT MUST ACTUALLY HAPPEN WHEN I PRESS THE CLOSE DOOR BUTTON IN THIS ELEVATOR

  1. A panel that says "Asshole in Elevator 3" is illuminated at the security desk
  2. A claims adjustor conducting a very sensitive meeting on the 12th floor stands up and says "Before we go any further, I'm just going to close this door."
  3. The building's window washer receives a mild electric shock, causing him to lose his balance and do a poor job on my office window.
  4. A door to a hidden room is opened nearby, releasing three people who will jump in the elevator and select floors below mine.
  5. A flight of white doves is freed from a cage on the roof of the building, inspiring a moment of peaceful, patient reflection by passersby.
  6. "Close the Door" by Teddy Pendergrass begins playing in the lobby cafe.
  7. Several minutes are deducted from my life expectancy.
  8. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.