What Must Actually Happen When I Press The Close Door Button In This Elevator
- •A panel that says "Asshole in Elevator 3" is illuminated at the security desk
- •A claims adjustor conducting a very sensitive meeting on the 12th floor stands up and says "Before we go any further, I'm just going to close this door."
- •The building's window washer receives a mild electric shock, causing him to lose his balance and do a poor job on my office window.
- •A door to a hidden room is opened nearby, releasing three people who will jump in the elevator and select floors below mine.
- •A flight of white doves is freed from a cage on the roof of the building, inspiring a moment of peaceful, patient reflection by passersby.
- •"Close the Door" by Teddy Pendergrass begins playing in the lobby cafe.
- •Several minutes are deducted from my life expectancy.
- •Nothing. Absolutely nothing.