1. (1) - You don't actually like toast, yet you are still compelled to use this device to warm your bread. Why? Was it a wedding gift? Do you just like the ritual with none of the benefit? Do you find yourself walking through this life feeling constantly misunderstood? You should because I don't know you. No one really does.
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  2. (2) - You toast a lot of bagels and have been burned too many times by any setting above 2. The bitter char of burnt garlic haunts your palate like the ghostly visage of a headless Anne Boleyn roaming the halls of the Tower of London. But instead of her head she's carrying a burnt salt bagel under her arm.
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  3. (3) - You like toast but are wary of darkness, rarely accused of recklessness in life. You promptly apply butter to your toast, followed by jam, and you waste no time in consuming it while warm and faintly crisp. The only question here is what kind of jam? You have so many. Raspberry? Strawberry? Apricot? No, fig I think.
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  4. (3.5) - You and I, we are toast soul mates. We love toast and we love this toaster, having sampled its many-hashed dial in every degree between 3 and 4, we know this is the sweet spot. We are scientists, rational, exploratory and obsessed with perfection.
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  5. (4) - Bold, a president or CEO perhaps? You manage your toast like you manage your Board of Directors, a surplus of confidence laced with a welcome ribbon of arrogance. No corner of this toast will be left un-cooked, your chosen topping spread to the very limits of its singed frame, an infinity pool of deliciousness.
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  6. (5) - You are typically the first to suggest a dangerous activity in your circle of friends, a trait that keeps everyone ill at ease in your presence. You are also, in all likelihood, very young and/or a terrible cook. With time, there is still hope for you.
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  7. (6) - Were you not loved as a child? Have you suffered through some monumental trauma that has left you feeling so devalued that you must suffer in every aspect of your life? You are some kind of monster, surely, but perhaps just toasting frozen bread. Either way, I want to hug the misery right out of you. Stop squirming, it'll all be better soon.
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