WHEN I'M ELECTED PRESIDENT OF VACATION RENTALS

  1. My friends, a new day is dawning on this nation's vacation rentals, a day in which no forty-year-old lighthouse puzzle is missing any pieces.
    (cheers and whistles)
  2. But let's not get ahead of ourselves--First and foremost there will be no more glass or ceramic cooktops in the kitchens!
    (thunderous applause)
  3. And are you sick of that one dull knife in the utensil drawer that just squashes a tomato when you try to cut it? Well so am I.
    (Woman in crowd seen mouthing the words "Makes me so mad!" to her companion)
  4. EVERY ROOM THAT CAN FIT A KING SIZE BED WILL HAVE A KING SIZE BED.
    (man shouts, "manufactured in this century, too!")
  5. Now, some vacation rental owners would have you pay a cleaning fee AND ask you clean the whole damn place before you leave! Is that fair?
    (Hearty boos)
  6. No it's not and that's why I'm going to reduce your departure burden by eliminating the Start A Load of Towels and Run The Dishwasher mandates effective immediately!
    (Murmurs of concern ripple through the crowd about the cost of this)
  7. Now now listen, and look, carefully, as you read my lips. NO NEW CLEANING FEES.
    (Standing ovation)
  8. And rest assured that if labeling all switches in the house is necessary in order to get your vote then I will TRIPLE. LABEL. THOSE. SWITCHES.
    (Pounds on podium)
  9. A FULL PROPANE TANK AND A FRESH BAG OF SELF LIGHTING HICKORY CHARCOAL FOR EVERY GRILL.
    (Crowd is ravenous now, deafening)
  10. OH AND HOW ABOUT A LIGHTER SO YOU DONT EVER AGAIN HAVE TO RUN ACROSS THE HOUSE WITH A FLAMING CONE OF NEWSPAPER TO LIGHT THAT GRILL OR FIREPLACE?
    (Some in crowd appear to have fainted with ecstasy)
  11. Are you fired up? Are you ready to go? Ready to remind the world once more just why it is that the United States of America has the greatest vacation rentals on Earth?
    (YES WE ARE)
  12. Thank you, God bless you. God bless the vacation rentals of the United States of America.
    (Walks off stage to "Vacation" by the Go Gos)