1. "I don't dance, I'm from that town in Footloose"
  2. "I can't trust you, you pronounce the g in lasagna"
    Schmidt, to Nick
  3. "I'm worried about Schmidt, he's a Jew in a desert, I don't want him to wander"
    Winston, on being afraid of the dark
  4. "I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science, I don't believe it"
  5. "They make shoes for your penis, Winston, they're called pants"
  6. "I've decided to stay a little drunk forever"
    Winston, on how to fight hangovers
  7. "I'm not sure I can read, think I've just memorised a bunch of words"
  8. "Six hundred dollars! That's six hundred one-dollar bills. That's the only way I can imagine it."
  9. "Michael Jordan is the first man who taught me, I could love a man".
  10. "I like getting older. I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality"
    Nick (also, same)
  11. "I know Word and I can open a document. Save. Save as"
    Winston, at an interview
  12. "Winston, did you write the part about the ducks"... "I don't even like ducks that much man"
    Winston and Schmidt, on the line in his resume that says "I think ducks are great"
  13. "What, you're afraid of her because she plays the standing up guitar ?"
    Nick, to Coach about May (who plays the cello)
  14. You're more of a "follow a butterfly around for a day" kind of girl
    Fawn Mascado to Jess
  15. "Well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé and pretend that you just thought of it."
    Councilwoman Fawn Mascado to Schmidt
  16. "Old ladies smell like, like right when you open a cupboard"
  17. "Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons"
  18. "I can't talk right now. I'm writing a strongly worded email to my florist"
  19. "Give her a can opener. Everybody's always giving homeless people cans, but no can opener. How do they open the cans, Nick?"
    TRUTH. Winston