The funniest and most insightful person in the world
  1. Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they really doing? Just give them another 3%, make em water. It's more useful
  2. People who live in a glass house have to answer the door
  3. They keep saying sea levels are rising and that, but it's got nothing to do with icebergs melting. There's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple, basic science
  4. It annoys me that people like squirrels but not rats. At the end of the day they're the same thing, except squirrels have had a better upbringing
  5. If you can't do it, don't do it
  6. You've always got to expect the worse don't you? That's why we pop a seat belt on when we get in a car
  7. If someone told me I'd never eat a papaya again I wouldn't be bothered. I feel like this about most fruit
    He also thinks the "5 a day" thing is just a way to get rid of the abundance of fruit we've got
  8. We should've never left the sea. No fish is homeless. No fish dies of starvation or stress
  9. It doesn't matter where you're from in the world, nob and bollocks are the same
  10. We can't all be geniuses, otherwise there's no one to do the jobs geniuses don't want to do
  11. Why didn't evolution make giraffes good at carpentry so it could build a ladder ?
  12. Getting a wedding invite is like being summoned for jury service. You don't want to go but it's very difficult to get out of
  13. I reckon we'd get on ok if we had lobster hands
    Said after he said that calling a finger the "ring finger" just proves we have too many fingers
  14. I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave
    He said he'd also rather be ugly and look at good looking people than the other way around, how often do you look at yourself anyway?
  15. I've done some luxury flying which is brilliant.... but again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.
  16. They say it all started out with a Big Bang. But what I wonder is, was it actually a Big Bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown out the noise at the time?
  17. I found that being with happy positive people annoys me
  18. We've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding
    Weddings are more expensive than a toaster
  19. I really can't believe what a state the pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand
  20. Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things to do- odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.
  21. I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed
    I hate exciting parties
  22. People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone! 🦆
  23. A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect
  24. It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it
  25. I've never thought about it before but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too
  26. If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings
    While talking about flies
  27. I've learned that even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much
  28. If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument because you're not used to spending that much time with people
  29. I've never worried about life's big questions
  30. I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would've been.
  31. The world look nicer with more cloth
  32. I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible and then be pleasantly surprised
  33. Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want
    I AGREE 100%