(DON'T) EAT PEOPLE

But if you're going to do it, here's how:
  1. Select a human.
    Humans range is sizes, shapes, and colors, but experts agree, the hairier the better.
  2. Acquire human.
    Acquiring a human is easier than you think! The current pace of life has ensured that when your human finally does go to sleep, they'll be sleeping like a log. A log that's ripe for the picking!
  3. Cover your tracks.
    In our modern day cannibal utopia, there is a plethora of online tools that help you ensure that no other humans notice your human's disappearance. Try Facemeat, a free app made by the developers of Tinder that pairs you with the perfect meal, then removes their information from every databank in the Western world! Sponsored by the NSA.
  4. Choose a recipe.
    Human-based recipes are on the rise in America, and apps like AllRecipes.com are noticing. They offer a variety of options for preparing human flesh, whether you and your significant other are looking to go raw with HumanSushi, or barbecuing a rack of baby back ribs for the whole family!
  5. Prepare human.
    As any seasoned chef knows, human meat has a very distinctive smell when cooking. We recommend inviting the local stoner over to help you mask that smell; if they can cover the scent of weed brownies baking in the oven, this should be a no brainer! You can even have them for dessert afterwards, if you like.
  6. Enjoy!
    :)