(DON'T) EAT PEOPLE
But if you're going to do it, here's how:
- •Select a human.Humans range is sizes, shapes, and colors, but experts agree, the hairier the better.
- •Acquire human.Acquiring a human is easier than you think! The current pace of life has ensured that when your human finally does go to sleep, they'll be sleeping like a log. A log that's ripe for the picking!
- •Cover your tracks.In our modern day cannibal utopia, there is a plethora of online tools that help you ensure that no other humans notice your human's disappearance. Try Facemeat, a free app made by the developers of Tinder that pairs you with the perfect meal, then removes their information from every databank in the Western world! Sponsored by the NSA.
- •Choose a recipe.Human-based recipes are on the rise in America, and apps like AllRecipes.com are noticing. They offer a variety of options for preparing human flesh, whether you and your significant other are looking to go raw with HumanSushi, or barbecuing a rack of baby back ribs for the whole family!
- •Prepare human.As any seasoned chef knows, human meat has a very distinctive smell when cooking. We recommend inviting the local stoner over to help you mask that smell; if they can cover the scent of weed brownies baking in the oven, this should be a no brainer! You can even have them for dessert afterwards, if you like.