Abilities I Wish I Could Put on My Resume

I'd have all the jobs if I could put these on my resume!
  1. Ability to watch TV series' from start to finish, even when they jump the shark.
    That's loyalty!
  2. Ability to make lighthearted jokes in the staff room.
    Fun for all ages!
  3. Ability to eat food when I'm not even hungry.
    Which translates to me being able to do work when I don't even want to do work!
  4. Ability to make the same 5 work outfits work.
    You won't even notice that I rotate the same 5 work outfits through each week because of slight changes in accessories and shit. That's attention to detail on my part! And flexibility!
  5. Ability to bake cupcakes and cookies and to share them.
    You know you want that in the staff room! I'm also kinda lazy so there won't be toooooo many cookies and cupcakes in the staff room, which won't affect any healthy living initiatives or biggest loser competitions!
  6. Ability to sleep in.
    This is a positive for real! Most people get older and can't sleep in anymore, but I can, which shows that I'm special and unique!
  7. Potential.
    Probably the most important one! No I haven't done this kind of stupid BS job for 3-5 years but surely I could learn!!!
  8. Hire me, please!!!
    I'm also polite.