2015-16 NEW YORK KNICKERBOCKERS SEASON: POTENTIAL OUTCOMES

I love the Knicks, because apparently I enjoy being miserable. In the buildup to the season, I present an exhaustive list of ways the season can go. Although I like this year's squad, this is based on history- the list goes from least to most likely, and also least to most painful, since these metrics tend to line up.
  1. Barely miss the playoffs
    This would normally be the most likely option- a failed season that does not yield notable talent for the future. However, a middling draft pick would not cause extra pain to Knicks fans because the franchise gave up this year's pick for bad basketball player and noted Waluigi cosplayer Andrea Bargnani. The lack of extra pain makes this unlikely.
  2. Make the playoffs anywhere from a 6-8 seed; lose in the first round while winning no more than one game.
    I won't even entertain a seed above 6 because you, the list reader, deserves honesty. This is the team's ceiling, and wouldn't be that bad! They'd play decent basketball, maybe attract a free agent player and lose easily to the Cavs, Bulls or Hawks. I'd be happy with this team, which drastically reduces its probability.
  3. Barely miss the playoffs - with a twist(ed knee)
    Same as the first scenario, but with long term concerns. This means a key organizational asset is lost for future seasons. Top candidates include walking injury Kristaps Porzingis, real life Sideshow Bob Robin Lopez, bucket hat model Carmelo Anthony or some of our sweet, sweet draft picks. This will be the only injury related entry, because at a certain point I need to take care of my mental health.
  4. An on court brawl between Derek Fisher and Melo after Fisher breaks up with Matt Barnes' wife and starts dating LaLa
    I feel very confident placing this as the second most likely scenario
  5. The Knicks are absolute garbage qualify for a top pick in the lottery with a choice they traded away 5 years ago.
    And the Depressing Reality goes to...THIS! The most depressing option for this year is having to watch a terrible basketball team with no light at the end of the tunnel, reading Chad Ford's superlatives about the elite players at the top of this year's draft while driving a pen into my thigh. THE KNICKS ARE BACK!!!!