Also as discovered on a shit day. Please send saltines and ginger ale.
  1. Food poisoning.
    It hit with a ferocity I had yet to experience in my 28 years of life right around 1am. Waking up to that sense of urgency is the worst. It straight up knocked me out. At one point my sleep deprived mind thought it would be good to shower, so I did. Then I could not muster the strength to remove my robe, and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning while further and further entangling myself in both my robe and sheets. I GIVE UP, BODY! YOU WIN!!!
  2. Having said food poisoning while living in an apartment that overlooks a beautiful pool on a beautiful day.
    Duck you assholes without food poisoning, frolicking in my beautiful pool and blaring music while I slowly waste away in my robe/sheet sarcophagus!
  3. When iPhone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck" in the middle of your tirade.
    Like some sort of passive aggressive reminder to be a lady. Fuck you too!!!