Was in 1st grade it was awful and was a prologue to many other awful relationships. Buckle up, ladies and gentlemen:
  1. My first crush was on a girl named Sparkle
  2. It's kind of weird to have that feeling at 7 I was wholly unprepared 😬
  3. I remember just being her shadow at all times
    I guess my seven year old self figured I'd annoy her into liking me
  4. Even managed to sit next to her in class
    It was kismet!
  5. Well I guess she was tired of this, and she decided to do something about it
    Can't blame her I certainly could not spell nuance much less fathom it
  6. So she looked me dead in the eye and said "You've got a unibrow"
    she was right but it was wispy and also I barely bathed myself much less boyscaped
  7. I can't remember if I cried in class but I definitely cried when I got home
  8. And after I caught my breath and screamed into my pillow a couple of times, I took matters into my own hands
  9. I didn't want anyone to see me doing this, so logically I did it in my bedroom closet
    With the light off
  10. Needless to say, I fucked my whole little face up
  11. I had no idea what I had done until I ran into my older brother and he clowned me into an oblivion
  12. I then had to think of a good lie to tell my mom
    When I couldn't I just cried some more
  13. She spared me any questions considering I effectively punished myself
  14. But now my eyebrows are stunning and I like to think this incident had something to do with it
    As if God looked down and said "Damn, son"...