1. Harriet M. Welsch
    Badass bitch. Hustler. Style icon. Sneak. Asks all the right questions. Not afraid to admit when she doesn't know something. #1 role model for all.
  2. Ole Golly
    Treats Harriet as an equal. Has a quotation for every situation and a big fluffy bed to bounce on. Stern as hell. Wears a tweed mumu everywhere.
  3. Beth Ellen Hansen
    Most likely to be on List App. Secretly the coolest girl in school. Wise beyond her years. See: The Long Secret
  4. Simon "Sport" Rocque
    Could listen to him talk about how he manages his father's money forever. The epitome of boyfriend material (but sooo damaged)
  5. Mr. Welsch
    Good father, husband, and shit-talker, prob has sexual tension with his assistant.
  6. Pinky Whitehead
    You know he and Harriet became fuck buddies when they got older.
  7. Harrison Withers
    "Does everybody look that way when they have lost something? I don't mean like losing a flashlight. I mean do people look like that when they have lost?"
  8. Janie Gibbs
    "'Don't give up,' Harriet whispered as she left. 'Never,' Janie whispered back." Janie is your fierce friend who gets to be a little much sometimes
  9. Mrs. Welsch
    Kind of a basic B but occasionally pretty rad as a mom. Likes math a little too much
  10. Dr. Wagner
    "I bet he plays with those toys after everyone leaves." I want to watch In Treatment with him as the shrink.
  11. Mrs. Golly
    Played by Chris Farley in my mind
  12. Mr. Rocque
    Writer. Heartbreaker. Addicted to Xanax. Keeps a masturbation sock in his bedroom.
  13. Cook
    Comes running when Mrs. Welsch rings a little bell, serves Harriet homemade cake every day, alcoholic son. Her life sucks but I love every scene with her.
  14. Marion Hawthorne and Rachel Hennessey
    Fuck you
  15. Miss Berry
    Astutely assigned parts for the school play. Harriet is such an onion.
  16. Little Joe Curry
    "When I look at him I could eat a thousand tomato sandwiches."
  17. Fabio Dei Santi
    Reckless driver. Looks hot smoking a cigarette. Prob selfish in bed.
  18. Mr. Waldenstein
    I'm glad Ole Golly ended up with a good guy but he just doesn't do it for me
  19. Agatha Plumber
    Honestly I used to just skim through her scenes because I was bored but she plays such a pivotal role in the story
  20. The Boy with the Purple Socks
    Future fuckboy
  21. Papa Dei Santi
    I want to be a regular at his deli.
  22. The Robinsons
    The Robinsons are a horror movie of adulthood
  23. Mrs. Gibbs
    No chill, but supported Janie's ambitions
  24. Carrie Andrews
    Bound to have body image issues after all that
  25. Laura Peters
    Who cares. Prob steals her dad's weed in high school to appear more interesting
  26. Miss Whitehead
    "The other day I saw her in the grocery store and she bought one small can of tuna, one diet cola, and a package of cigarettes." Relatable
  27. Miss Dodge
    Has weekly girls' nights with Blanche from Grease
  28. Maria Elena Dei Santi
    Instagram famous. Future wife of Bradley Cooper
  29. Bruno Dei Santi
    Killing it on Bumble
  30. Mama Dei Santi
    Give it a rest, Mama
  31. Franca Dei Santi
    Talks to pigeons
  32. Dino Dei Santi
    Literally background noise
  33. Miss Elson
    Picks her nose in front of her students, was no fucking help when Rachel and Marion poured ink down Harriet's dress