People I Stalked Online (And How They Found Out)
- •My college boyfriend's now-wifeThey started dating after he moved back to Minneapolis. We were still friends. He said they did a crossword puzzle together the morning after their first date. 2 years later I was visiting and had dinner with him and he gently told me they were engaged so I wouldn't have to hear it on Facebook first. This is why I don't eat oysters. I was stalking her on Twitter one night, dropped my phone on my face, and accidentally followed her. She followed me back the next morning. She is a lovely person.
- •A mildly attractive coworker I barely knew whose deal I was trying to figure outI was deep on his Insta and accidentally liked a pic of him and some girl. He never acknowledged it. Pretty sure he's gay.
- •The girl my ex messed with after he messed with meThis was part of an ongoing investigation; a slip-up was inevitable. I was trying to click somewhere else and I accidentally liked a Facebook status of hers from years ago, one of those statuses with "is." I felt sorta icky about it because shit, I've never met this girl, and she's probably a cool person, and she definitely doesn't deserve to be under my fucking microscope... however, this particular bout of stalking brought some key info to light. Worth it.
- •That exWe've exchanged so many ill-advised drunk phone calls over the years that it almost doesn't matter when I accidentally double tap some shitty photo he geotagged at Venice Beach. I'm biding my time until he breaks down and we're even again.
- •My crush a few years agoI wanted to make a clear move but not leave myself too vulnerable (god forbid!), so I purposely deep-liked an old selfie of his. Nothing happened.
- •A guy I halfheartedly dated for awhile and then ghostedI used to wonder if I should try to date him again. We never got to the stage where it felt okay to add each other on Instagram, but I was lurking once, long after we'd last spoken, and I accidentally liked one of his posts. Then he followed me. I decided it was only polite to follow him back. I learned that my cats and his new girlfriend's cat had lived in the same foster home. I saw his grandparents' wedding photo from 1956 and an excerpt from his journal. Technically I'm still ghosting him.
- •The guy who said no to being my date to the Sadie Hawkins dance senior year of high schoolI saw his name on a mutual friend's Facebook page earlier tonight and remembered how the vice principal would always mispronounce it during morning announcements. It is kind of a mouthful. He looks exactly the same. (I was the latest of late bloomers.) I bet he's still funny, too. He posted an article about poop! (I didn't even actually ask him to Sadies, I asked my friend to ask his friend to ask him. Ugh I hate myself.) Whoa. He lives in LA now?! I friended him.