People I Stalked Online (And How They Found Out)

  1. 1.
    My college boyfriend's now-wife
    They started dating after he moved back to Minneapolis. We were still friends. He said they did a crossword puzzle together the morning after their first date. 2 years later I was visiting and had dinner with him and he gently told me they were engaged so I wouldn't have to hear it on Facebook first. This is why I don't eat oysters. I was stalking her on Twitter one night, dropped my phone on my face, and accidentally followed her. She followed me back the next morning. She is a lovely person.
  2. 2.
    A mildly attractive coworker I barely knew whose deal I was trying to figure out
    I was deep on his Insta and accidentally liked a pic of him and some girl. He never acknowledged it. Pretty sure he's gay.
  3. 3.
    The girl my ex messed with after he messed with me
    This was part of an ongoing investigation; a slip-up was inevitable. I was trying to click somewhere else and I accidentally liked a Facebook status of hers from years ago, one of those statuses with "is." I felt sorta icky about it because shit, I've never met this girl, and she's probably a cool person, and she definitely doesn't deserve to be under my fucking microscope... however, this particular bout of stalking brought some key info to light. Worth it.
  4. 4.
    That ex
    We've exchanged so many ill-advised drunk phone calls over the years that it almost doesn't matter when I accidentally double tap some shitty photo he geotagged at Venice Beach. I'm biding my time until he breaks down and we're even again.
  5. 5.
    My crush a few years ago
    I wanted to make a clear move but not leave myself too vulnerable (god forbid!), so I purposely deep-liked an old selfie of his. Nothing happened.
  6. 6.
    A guy I halfheartedly dated for awhile and then ghosted
    I used to wonder if I should try to date him again. We never got to the stage where it felt okay to add each other on Instagram, but I was lurking once, long after we'd last spoken, and I accidentally liked one of his posts. Then he followed me. I decided it was only polite to follow him back. I learned that my cats and his new girlfriend's cat had lived in the same foster home. I saw his grandparents' wedding photo from 1956 and an excerpt from his journal. Technically I'm still ghosting him.
  7. 7.
    The guy who said no to being my date to the Sadie Hawkins dance senior year of high school
    I saw his name on a mutual friend's Facebook page earlier tonight and remembered how the vice principal would always mispronounce it during morning announcements. It is kind of a mouthful. He looks exactly the same. (I was the latest of late bloomers.) I bet he's still funny, too. He posted an article about poop! (I didn't even actually ask him to Sadies, I asked my friend to ask his friend to ask him. Ugh I hate myself.) Whoa. He lives in LA now?! I friended him.