barren, but coping

too personal for the Internet, but too real to tell anyone I know in real life
  1. I recently found out that I will most likely never be able to conceive and carry a child to term.
  2. This is partially because of chemotherapy and partially because of CellCept, the immunosuppressant I'm on.
  3. I don't know how I feel.
  4. I'm 19 so I've never really thought about being a mother.
  5. I mean I've thought about it, like I love the names Grace and Elliott and James.
  6. But I've never thought about if I want children, because I've never had to think about it.
  7. But now that I know I probably won't be able to have a baby, I'm angry.
  8. Why was this taken away from me before I could even consider if I wanted it or not?
  9. The only person I've told is my boyfriend.
  10. We were cuddling and it was really late, he kissed my ear and told me he loved me, and I blurted it out.
  11. I said, "I love you too, also I just found out I'll probably never be able to have a baby, so there's that".
  12. And then I sobbed and sobbed until my breathing was ragged and broken. He didn't say anything, he just pulled me closer and wrapped his entire body around me.
  13. After I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, I told him I didn't want to talk about it again and even though he was worried, he respected my need for space and let it go.
  14. I went to the park the next day and sat on a bench for a couple hours. I watched the clusters of moms walk their strollers around the soccer fields.
  15. I felt a hot, burning rage inside of me, I wanted to scream and throw things and do hurtful, destructive things because I felt like my body was trying to destroy me, so why not just finish the job myself?
  16. And then a beautiful, wonderful thing happened.
  17. A little girl walked over to where I was sitting and gave me the handful of dirt and grass and dead flowers she had been carrying around all day. She had an enormous smile on her face, like she had just dropped the universe into my lap.
  18. Her mother rushed over and apologized for her daughter getting my clothes dirty, but was puzzled when she saw tears running down my face.
  19. Even if I can't carry my own child, I'm never going to be alone. There are so many options if I choose to have a child one day. I can try to conceive on my own, I could try in vitro fertilization, I could adopt, I could be a foster parent - the possibilities are endless.
  20. I will never be alone.