PANIC ATTACK DAY

~~~day in the life with an anxiety disorder~~~
  1. I get to work and feel very anxious about nothing.
  2. It's my penultimate day at this job, and I should be breezing through, but instead I'm paralyzed and fidgety.
  3. I feel sad and angry and overwhelmed. And not for any real reason.
  4. I can't find my iPad and I'm having trouble thinking of anything else.
  5. I realize this is more than just bad anxiety; I'm in panic attack danger zone.
  6. I can feel it coming, so I text my boyfriend frantically.
  7. He loves me a lot, but he's not always sure what to do.
  8. I come home during lunch and the hug he gives me doesn't feel honest (???) so I burst into tears.
  9. I take a Xanax and cry because when I break it in half some of the powder falls on the floor and I'm worried the dog will eat it and die.
  10. He has to go. I'm sobbing on our bed.
  11. I realize thirty minutes have passed and I didn't know.
  12. The Xanax I took starts to kick in. I feel warm and tingly in my calves.
  13. I'm hungry and drained.
  14. I'm glad I avoided the full on panic attack.
  15. I feel weak and stupid for being so... I don't know. Not in control.
  16. I know intellectually that's not true, but it really feels that way.
  17. Writing this list. Feeling raw. Getting up to force myself to eat so I don't get sick from the Xanax and throw up.
  18. Trying to list my things I'm grateful for and take deep breaths.