1. When I told you I loved you, Kevin!
  2. It's like, was I drunk? Maybe. Seriously, maybe.
  3. And when I said it would be cool if you used my deodorant. IT WASN'T COOL. WHO USES SOMEONE ELSE'S DEODORANT, KEVIN?!
  4. When I thought, privately and to myself, that you looked like the kind of person who had a big penis. That time I was DEFINITELY drunk because I look at pix of you now and I'm like, "oh my god he has the hands of a five year old girl, what was I thinking?!"
  5. It was wrong of me to fake that orgasm.
  6. And that other orgasm. Both orgasms I did with you were faked, and that was wrong. It was dishonest. I am sorry I misled you. You, Kevin, are sadly incapable of making a woman climax.
  7. When I told Maria from work that your name was Kevin Mandish. I had just met you so I forgot that your name is definitely Kevin Miller. The Kevin Miller that works at Hot Dog on a Stick and has frosted tips, just in case anyone out there is wondering which Kevin this is about.
  8. When I said your frosted tips didn't look like someone jizzed in your hair. I was wrong about that.