How to Procrastinate

been working too much? feeling like you're just getting too much shit done? here's a comprehensive list on how to avoid completing any and all necessary tasks, from a self-proclaimed PRO crastinator.
  1. 1.
    smoking weed
    while this certainly isn't necessary, (not everyone is a fan, I get it) it really is a great catalyst for avoiding shit. because although i tell myself it will help kick start my creative juices, it usually just leads to some intense dicking around. see: rest of this list.
  2. 2.
    cleaning your apartment/room/bathroom
    UNTIL IT IS FUCKING SPOTLESS. literally the only time my apartment is clean is when I have been avoiding other, more important tasks. because my mom once told me "a cluttered workspace will lead to a cluttered mind" or something like that.
  3. 3.
    grocery shopping!
    once I have finished cleaning the shit out of my living space, I usually decide its also a good time to clean out the kitchen/fridge and oh wait I SHOULD TOTALLY COOK SOMETHING !! all that cleaning was like a workout, and by now I'm most likely very hungry.
  4. 4.
    the Internet, obviously
    after I've made and devoured a five course meal, I'm usually too full to do anything but let the succubus of the Internet eat away at my brain. this accounts for (on average) about 2-3 hours of solid mind-numbing Facebook scanning and Amazon purchasing. Not on social media or into shopping? May I recommend two of my favorite games: searching yahoo answers for the all time most insane questions and reading yelp reviews of churches, parks and various landmarks.
  5. 5.
    calling your family
    by this point, it's pretty common to start feeling a little guilty about how much work you have not been doing. you know what's super nice and is a sure fire way to counteract these feelings? calling your family and seeing how they are. they will love you for it, and you will also feel like a great person. Guilt, schmilt.
  6. 6.
    self-betterment
    All that time spent being a good son/daughter/family member can be exhausting. You know what's not exhausting? feeling great about yourself!! why not put on some face masks or hair masks, paint your nails, tweeze your eyebrows, oh shit I haven't taken my contacts out in a week! I should do that once my nails dry. Dang you know what else sounds nice? A massage. Hey, you deserve it!
  7. 7.
    taking walks
    this actually helps the creative process. oh look! there's a store! cool windows! I should go in, oh sick a SALE!! to think I could've been working all this time... missing out on this amazing PARKA that is also WINDPROOF!!! God this will be so great once it's winter and I leave New York for LA...NICE WORK!
  8. 8.
    reconnecting with old friends
    Woah, you've been by yourself all day. Maybe it's time for some socializing? Why not hit up some old friends and hang out!! (3-4 hours, depending on the people/responses). If no response, then I usually head home and by this time, it's evening and the guilt of my procrastinating spree has started to kick in. AVOID ACKNOWLEDGING THIS AT ALL COSTS. because guilt is SO fucking lame and it will only lead to a deep, very real amount of self-loathing.
  9. 9.
    watching movies
    this one always feels like the most beneficial way to procrastinate. because, research.
  10. 10.
    sleep
    God, its so late. really should get to sleep. but wait-- do you really even wanna sleep? can't tell if you're tired? Weigh the pros and cons of sleeping for about an hour and around 2 am, you will experience a stroke of genius, causing you to work until about 5 am.