99 30 ROCK JOKES

Because I'm binging for the 9th time and thought it would be at least a little proactive to document some of them.
  1. 1.
    Liz: Did you see our shout out in Variety? They called us "a comedy show!"
  2. 2.
    Jack: You were right about Claire, she crashed Me-Ow's dinner party.
    Liz: Oh yeah, what'd she do, sexy birthday or mannequin who comes to life? Jack: Sexy birthday thank god.
  3. 3.
    Jenna: Uh, that idiot werewolf lawyer paid for my hand reduction surgery, so…
  4. 4.
    Kenneth: [reading an autograph] "Believe in the stars" it's like that doesn't even mean anything anymore.
  5. 5.
    Kelsey: Hey Liz, how's your telescope?
    Liz: I don't know Kelsey, how's your mom's pill addiction?
  6. 6.
    Jack: Cook him a nice meal at home.
    Liz: Nice? You mean like… stew?
  7. 7.
    Kenneth: Well you're acting like a real C-word. That's right, a Cranky Sue.
  8. 8.
    Jenna: Oh Liz, look at you and me and our biological clocks. You're going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents.
  9. 9.
    Jack: Tracy, your spending is getting out of control.
    Tracy: *wearing a shirt made of $100 bills* Give me an example.
  10. 10.
    Hazel: I stocked your mini-fridge with candy bars so cold you'll crack your jaw you stupid bitch.
  11. 11.
    Jack: Classic Lemon, maneater.
    Liz: *clawing* Cat sound.
  12. 12.
    News Anchor: Julia Roberts has agreed to play the tragic singer, directed by Martin Scorsese, and written by the best screenwriter in the world- whoever that is.
  13. 13.
    *Tracy is dressed up as a white woman, but has a prosthetic monster claw* Liz: Why do you have a monster claw?
    Tracy: They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks.
  14. 14.
    Jack: Are these people your family? Why are they smiling so much? Who's being ostracized?
  15. 15.
    Liz: Do I look okay?
    Ceri: That's exactly how you look!
  16. 16.
    Tracy: …and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blaffair to Rememblack.
  17. 17.
    Liz: *comes in carrying two omelettes* Hey, they have an omelette bar downstairs, so… you should go get yourself one.
  18. 18.
    Liz: But you haven't seen Dr. Baird he looks like a cartoon pilot!
  19. 19.
    Oprah: Too many women are wearing themselves thin these days, and you know what suffers because of that?
    Liz: Your bowel movements.
  20. 20.
    Jack: Tahitian vanilla ice cream in a pool of Cognac, covered in the world's most expensive chocolate, sprinkled with shaved white truffles, and topped with edible 25 karat gold leaf. Can you imagine anything better?
    Liz: I don't know, you ever put a donut in the microwave?
  21. 21.
    Liz: Oh yeah, I'll totally do that ON OPPOSITE DAY!
  22. 22.
    Jack: Geiss is going to call me later. I hope he calls me Jacky Boy, then I'll be at Erection Cove.
  23. 23.
    Liz: There is an adult picture of me on that phone!
    Kenneth: Adult? You mean like you're driving a car, or wearing a suit?
  24. 24.
    Pete: I don't like this, you have crazy eyes.
    Liz: And you have shut up mouth.
  25. 25.
    Tracy Jr: You want to see what he packed for my lunch? A jar of mayo, and a pack of cigarettes.
  26. 26.
    Kenneth: Oh, I still do everything for him. Tonight after work I have to ride my bike over to New Jersey to hold his hand during Lost.
  27. 27.
    Liz: I was at this club last week called… Chili's, and I saw this— smoking guy, I mean he was just raw. He was wearing this shirt, and I could totally see his nips.
  28. 28.
    Jack: Lemon, the adult dating world is a lot like your haircut, sometimes awkward triangles occur.
    Liz: Feel like you've been saving that one.
  29. 29.
    Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers! Wordplay.
  30. 30.
    Tracy: Well if all you want is a hug from a black person, then maybe you should host The Price is Right.
  31. 31.
    Jenna: I felt so jacked-up on the way home, I threw a brick through the window of a Banana Republic.
  32. 32.
    Jenna: Kenneth, you know how you asked Tracy to not go in your bedroom? Well, naturally we assumed you were a serial killer, and well— long story short, your bird is dead.
  33. 33.
    Liz: Excuse me, Mr. Winerslav—
    Mr. Winerslav: It's pronounced Weiner-slave.
  34. 34.
    Jenna: Oh I can play dead, I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.
  35. 35.
    Jack: Kenneth, a word.
    Kenneth: Balloon!
  36. 36.
    Kenneth: (trying to be bad) Let's meet up later and smoke some drug cigarettes.
  37. 37.
    Liz: Eating right, working out, sleeping. Is anybody else BM-ing like a rockstar? What's the hump-day schedule?
    Gal Pal #1: Oh it's not Wednesday, Liz, it's Thursday. Gal Pal #2: I read somewhere it's Tuesday. Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, it's Friday…
  38. 38.
    Elisa: Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?!
  39. 39.
    Liz: Look Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sim's family: when a child doesn't see his father enough, he will jump up and down. Then his mood level will drop, until he pees himself.
    Jack: Why don't I have any other friends?
  40. 40.
    Pete: Nope, you can't steal someone else's birth certificate. I know because I've been trying to steal my dead neighbor's identity because sometimes it just feels like too much and Daddy just needs to get in his car and drive…
  41. 41.
    Liz: He's really good at making fun of my shoes. When he saw these, he asked me when my cult was committing suicide.
  42. 42.
    Liz: One of those two things is going to happen! There's no weird third thing!
  43. 43.
    Liz: We sure had quite the year.
    Jack: …what are you talking about, it's May.
  44. 44.
    Jack: We've all had to make sacrifices, Kenneth. I had to downsize the payroll department down to one guy and an envelope-stuffing machine.
    One Guy: (to envelope-stuffing machine) Today's my birthday.
  45. 45.
    Verna: Well I was drinking pretty heavily then, on account of my bad knee. Then I went and drove my jet ski into that big ol bunch of moths…
  46. 46.
    Liz: We're hiring a new cast member.
    Jenna: IF IT IS A BLONDE WOMAN I WILL KILL MYSELF!
  47. 47.
    Liz: I did Big Sister in college, that little girl taught me how to use tampons.
  48. 48.
    Devin Banks: (baby voice) Oops, somebody must've weaked it.
    Jack: (serious voice) You did. YOU WEAKED IT!
  49. 49.
    Liz: Tracy and Jenna are like children.
    Pete: And like children all you can do is turn the heat up, pour some whiskey in their juice and wait for sleep to save you.
  50. 50.
    Jenna: No, it's not acting out. I have mercury poisoning from obsessively checking my rectal temperature.
  51. 51.
    Liz: What a week, huh?
    Jack: Lemon, it's Wednesday.
  52. 52.
    Liz: Tomorrow is the Wine and Cheese Tasting, or as I like to call it- Single's Fart Suppression.
  53. 53.
    Jack: America doesn't want your elitist, left-wing, West Coast—
    Liz: Jack, just say Jewish this is taking forever.
  54. 54.
    Randy: You know how hard it was growing up gay in Methonberg, Pennsylvania? The local TV station edited Will & Grace down so much that it was just called Karen.
  55. 55.
    Jack: Nobody flies without medication anymore. Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?
  56. 56.
    Jenna: And no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references. Okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
  57. 57.
    Jenna: First of all, the only reason my voice has any British inflection in it is because I lost my virginity to the My Fair Lady soundtrack.
  58. 58.
    Liz: I need this party to be off the hook!
    Tracy: People don't say that anymore they say Surf Party USA!
  59. 59.
    Jack: See, that's what I'm talking about. Human empathy, it's as useless as the Winter Olympics… this winter on NBC.
  60. 60.
    Jenna: (trying to act young) Hold on, I'm tweeting that I ran into you. This is so tandem!
    Liz: Random, Jenna. Those kids are saying random.
  61. 61.
    Kenneth: Back in Stone Mountain even the mayor had bed bugs, and SHE… was a horse!
  62. 62.
    Jack: Simon, we're both men of the world.
    Simon: (cocky) Yeah, I've seen some bras.
  63. 63.
    Kenneth: Oh, Ms. Lemon, it's so romantic! Just like that movie I only saw the first ten minutes of, Fatal Attraction!
  64. 64.
    Liz: Fine, I will get rid of my office mini-fridge, because unlike Frank, I am a good and decent person. (black teenage girl walks by on her phone) Is that my cellphone?! Oh, no it's in my hand.
  65. 65.
    Liz: Really? You want to exchange creative gifts? Boy, you are in trouble, buddy, because creativity to me is like- it's like a bird, like a- friendly bird! That embraces- all these ideas! Just… like, shoots… out of its eyes- all kinds of beauty!
    Jack: Wow, Lemon, this like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.
  66. 66.
    Kenneth: There's a lot about this world that we don't know about. Like the afterlife. Or how bread turns into toast.
  67. 67.
    Liz: Well now you just have to hope it's a girl.
    Tracy: I know it's a girl Liz Lemon, because I yelled "Susan B Anthony" at the moment of conception!
  68. 68.
    Jenna: The gossip blogs are calling us "James!" It's a combination of our names Jenna and James.
  69. 69.
    Jack: I'm trying to play it cool.
    Kenneth: YOU SHOULD BUY A LEATHER JACKET!
  70. 70.
    Pete: What happens when she gets there and founds out she's the mom?
    Liz: Oh Pete, that's later. Maybe we'll be dead by then.
  71. 71.
    Tracy: You're wise, Liz Lemon. Like a genetically-engineered shark.
  72. 72.
    Jack: New earrings?
    Jenna: My mom made them out of pigeon feathers. They still have some pigeon mites on them, but she said those can't affect affect humans humans.
  73. 73.
    Pete: Alright, assuming nothing goes wrong in the next 8 hours…
    Liz: *looks into camera*
  74. 74.
    Gay Michael: A party… with them?
    Jenna: Oh don't look at me like I'm a football game.
  75. 75.
    Jack: You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
    Liz: Or, I am that painting elephant of being awesome.
  76. 76.
    Liz: I can't believe you guys are letting Valentine's Day win. Not me! One word: oral… two words: oral surgery. I'm having oral surgery and skipping Valentine's Day.
  77. 77.
    Jenna: I know the Tony rules because I've been petitioning them to add a category (theatrically) for living theatrically in normal life!
  78. 78.
    Liz: Settling soul mates? That is grim! And I've played Monopoly alone.
  79. 79.
    Tracy: Oh yeah just ask the black guy cuz we all know each other! Pete will you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me- at zoos?!
  80. 80.
    Liz: You can't play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.
    Jenna: But those were my majors at the Royal Tampa Academy for Dramatic Tricks.
  81. 81.
    *talking about Avatar* Guy: Yeah I thought that Marine robot thing—
    Liz: (defensively) They weren't Marines. Some of them were former Marines, but most of them were mercenaries for a space mining company. Nancy: What are you doing? Liz: What, you want me to just sit around and be wrong?
  82. 82.
    Liz: You think when I was a kid I wanted to pay $1200 for a karaoke machine to impress a bunch of pasty losers?!
    Jenna: And a professional singer whose beautiful- but doesn't know it!
  83. 83.
    Kenneth: You want to get a cake for the crew? That's very thoughtful, Ms. Maroney.
    Jenna: Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby, and I'm sick of hearing about it. This will put me back on top.
  84. 84.
    Tracy: On Valentine's Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart-shaped hot tub and cook chili in it! Then we take it to a soup kitchen, and that's where it starts to get sexy.
  85. 85.
    Jack: Kenneth, I've been thinking about something a lot lately, something that's never bothered me until now.
    Kenneth: Me too! Where are all the baby pigeons?
  86. 86.
    Carol: Would it be alright if I stayed at your place this weekend?
    Liz: Sure, I just gotta run home first and take some plates out of the bathroom.
  87. 87.
    Jenna: You're engaged? What if the bachelorette party theme was sluts?
  88. 88.
    Avery: This pregnancy is two years ahead of schedule! I'm suing Dodecacel! I'm suing you! I'm suing this baby!
  89. 89.
    Kenneth: Don't worry about me, I'm fine. (crazy voice) And so am I, I'm Sheryl!
  90. 90.
    Criss: I thought you were romantically infantile!
    Liz: I am! Me baby!
  91. 91.
    Jack: Lemon, why are you spending so much money on wigs?
    Liz: Tracy's head size keeps changing.
  92. 92.
    Jenna: (about her Chinese tattoo) It was supposed to say Peace, but they wrote White Hooker instead.
  93. 93.
    Tracy: I've missed the birth of both of my sons, for very legitimate reasons.
    Dot Com: Eating a French bread pizza and forgot.
  94. 94.
    Liz: What are you guys working on?
    Editor: A piece for the Today Show about how next month is October.
  95. 95.
    Jenna: We all have to make sacrifices, Liz! I had to be at work today at 11 o'clock!
  96. 96.
    Liz: (confidently) O realo?! I meant to say really, I misspoke, continue.
  97. 97.
    Tracy: I'm gonna cut that fat cracker's head off!
    Lutz: I'm part Eskimo! Hate crime!
  98. 98.
    Liz: Look, I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you wanna go clubbing on the town and party dance all night.
    Jack: Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
  99. 99.
    Liz: Okay, maybe I'm a little old fashioned! I'm sorry I'm a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on- Everybody Loves Raymond.