DISNEY PRINCESSES RANKED BY HOW WELL THEY WOULD DO IN THE REAL WORLD

  1. 13.
    Aurora
    Honestly the laziest of all the princesses, and not just because she falls asleep for like half the movie, but because she doesn't have an ounce of personality within her 18 minutes of screen time. Maybe she could be a model, but where's that going to get you when all the social interaction you've had is with three fairy idiots who can't even make a damn cake right.
  2. 12.
    Ariel
    Ariel is so overrated. She's cute, but she's too naive and wants too much of the wrong thing from the surface world. She's always late to things, she clearly has a hoarding problem, and doesn't even have the literary skills to just write out her thoughts to Eric like at least give him ya fucking name, idiot!!
  3. 11.
    Anna
    Sure, she had the guts to go out looking for her sister, but she also left the kingdom in the hands of a stranger who ended up being super evil. And it's obvious she doesn't have much of a brain if she can stand Olaf for that amount of time without snapping. She doesn't have any skills, she's just another blue-blooded rich kid minus the ice powers. And what does she do with her power? She gives meaningless titles to her boyfriend instead of addressing the financial issues of her kingdom!
  4. 10.
    Snow White
    At least she can clean a house without someone asking her to do it, like she just thought that would be the right thing to do considering she totally just broke into someone's house (that's good work ethic), plus she can control animals because her voice is so shrill she sounds like a God at their frequency. But, she's pretty stupid and overly-nice to eat an apple from some crone from the woods. That's the kind of shit that's gonna wake you up naked in an alleyway, Snow. You need to learn.
  5. 9.
    Cinderella
    She could be a good housekeeper, or nanny or something (1950's ambitions), and she's polite and kind and can take orders well. She's not hopeless and she at least has the ambition to dream of a better life, but part of me just sees her growing old and turning into one of those desperate housewives, drinking wine from a thermos and lounging around the house all day. She'd go to college basically for her MRS and end up in some gated community, taking up a new hobby weekly just to pass the time.
  6. 8.
    Pocahontas
    Movie Pocahontas was kind of boring, like she fought for what she believed was right and that's admirable and she made a fine decision by staying with her people, but she seems like the kind of person who'd never leave their hometown and just stay in the family business. Like, she's painted as this free-spirited explorer and what not, but in the end she's too guilt-ridden to leave her people to follow the more exciting path. Plus, what skill is she bringing to the table besides being bilingual?
  7. 7.
    Elsa
    Elsa's a mess, but she left when things feel apart and made a life for herself and honed her skills in the span of a 3-minute generic, overplayed song. That takes gusto and a natural spirit to get you ahead life. But, her anxiety gets in the way of collaboration and harmony, and her leadership skills are either invisible or nonexistent, because she shows no signs of knowing how to run a kingdom, but it was somehow sustained for 8 years? Maybe she just took credit for someone else's leadership?
  8. 6.
    Merida
    Independent is one way to describe her, but she's also very volatile and immature and doesn't seem to really want the responsibilities of the crown let alone a career. Like her dad says, she just wants to shoot arrows and let her hair flow in the wind. But, she's headstrong and smart and triumphs through the challenges she faces with unwavering sensibility. She'd make a good fighter and leader, but not much of a business type. There, I made it through that whole thing without saying brave (shit)
  9. 5.
    Rapunzel
    I have a soft spot for her because she's my favorite, but despite being locked up for 18 years, she never let a day pass without doing something. That shows ambition! She's determined and analytical about her plan to see the lights. She's spunky and enthusiastic about life without being naive. She's responsible with her possessions and quick-witted in tough situations. She'd go through life without a steady career, sure, but she'd always be doing something!
  10. 4.
    Jasmine
    Okay, she seems like a damsel in distress type, but she's not necessarily just waiting around for a man to sweep her off her feet. She's trapped in a position of royalty, and yet she debases herself to peasant standards to find out what she's missing out on. She could do something in journalism with that kind of intrigue. She's cunning and sultry when she wants to be, then with the flip of a switch she can be intense and poignant. It's the perfect balance for a real influential figure.
  11. 3.
    Mulan
    Physical attributes aside, Mulan's bravery to join a war for her father, then win that war, then humbly return without seeking glory or fortune is the kind of person we need in our system. She's got a good heart, knows what's right, and compassion for those who are seeking freedom from their adversities and offer them recognition and understanding. I could see Mulan being a strong figure not just for women, but for anyone struggling with identity or who feels invisible in their own skin.
  12. 2.
    Belle
    I'm thinking an Emma Watson-type feminist advocate who's also like a kick-ass author who writes not just complex non-fiction about female historical figures and a provocative tell-all about her romantic relationship with a literal animal, but also deep, psychological fiction that challenges the fabric of society. She's got the influence and outreach to make the world her own, think Kate Middleton mixed with JK Rowling, Belle just has that kind of potential.
  13. 1.
    Tiana
    But if we're talking money and success, then Tiana's going to do the greatest. She's going to be one hell of an entrepreneur, chain restaurants of her New Orleans cuisine, but she never sells out because she keeps an eye on all her locations and keeps it in the family, and is like a more lovable version of KFC dude or something. Also, she's really political and makes a stand for black men and women, and also sings in her alligator friend's band. Like Oprah, but she's more like America's grandma.