HOW TO FIX THE SUPERHERO MOVIE GENRE

  1. Replace sounds of machine guns firing with the sound of Popeye's laugh.
  2. All the superheroes sound the same. Everybody can disguise their voice by making it sound deeper. It takes true determination to hide your real voice with a high-pitched Jamaican accent.
  3. Guns and swords are too overdone. I feel like the genre underestimates just how painful passive-aggressive words of discouragement can be.
  4. The costumes need to be more anatomically identical to the bodies they're on. One of the many things Batman & Robin got right was adding nipples to the costumes. It's important to bring attention to perky details like that.
  5. The lack of respect for architecture is appalling, always crashing into buildings and breaking glass windows. It's tiring. It'd be a refreshing change of pace to have a "building the city back together" montage.
  6. Who makes the super suits? I really want to see superheroes making their costumes Project Runway style with Tim Gunn and everything.
  7. How do they come up with good comebacks so fast? It's unrealistic, because half the time the person does not even say what you wanted them to say. I want to see heroes getting mad when the villain doesn't say the set up to the response they prepared all morning.
  8. I want to see animal sidekicks. Spider-Man can have a spider. Batman can have a bat. The Flash can have a lightbulb.
  9. Secret identities need to be more deeply explored. Is it too much to ask for them to strive for the same kind of shenanigans Hannah Montana got into with having an alter-ego? Or did Hannah Montana set the bar too high yet again?
  10. The love interests are all sure things, it's boring. I wanna see Spider-Man get catfished on Tinder or something. I want Wonder Woman to hit on a gay guy. I want Superman to be having sex and have Lois Lane shout out "Aquaman" instead.
  11. Have Spice Girls on every soundtrack. No-brainer.
  12. Prohibit clapping or laughter from movie-going audiences. This is the one thing that keeps me from going to see them I CANNOT anymore.
  13. Take the vast spectrum of emotion out of the equation, as superheroes only have two settings: Brooding and Smarmy.
  14. Stop putting Stan Lee cameos in the movies. It's so obvious he's been dead for ten years and they're just using an android.
  15. Remove the special effects, I enjoy the nauseating, saturated-to-death color of green-screen green.
  16. I think the genre should die with a live-action Captain Planet reboot.