CHARCUTERIE FOR SINGLES & OTHER SOLITARY LUXURIES

I'm sorry, Shelia E. -- sometimes, without love, it IS much.
  1. Make every solo meal a charcuterie board
    Even if you cannot pronounce "Cornichon"
  2. Purchase a teak bath tray
    Do not get Prosciutto wet. It is a DRY ham.
  3. Install scissor wall lamps on both sides of your King-sized Tuft & Needle bed
    Why would you read on only one side of the bed? Google "trucker tan", "trucker left arm" or "trucker left side of face"
  4. Find a sensitive/straight/actually-Swedish/semi-pro skateboarder masseur who remembers the names and indiscretions of all your exes
    Occasionally buy those exes gift certificates to this masseur so he has greater context for mid-massage talk therapy.
  5. Visit a flotation tank like the one you remember from SHORTBUS
    Ignore fact that the name of the only business in tri-state area offering this isolation service = title of Sandra Bullock/Harry Connick Jr. dramedy circa 1997.
  6. Slather your body with oils from avocados, coconuts and large birds
    Pro-tip: Emu Oil doesn't clog pores. Fun fact: The word "Avocado" comes from a word that comes from another word that sometimes means "testicle".
  7. Bulletproof errything
    Grass-fed butter and Brain Octane oil are self-obsession's lubricants.
  8. Counter/reinforce self-obsession by reading books on modern Buddhist thought while simultaneously handsome-crying to Sufjan Steven's latest album
    Recommended: Ethan Nichtern's THE ROAD HOME + "Eugene".
  9. Discover "Positivity Resonance"
    and learn to fall in love with anyone -- in micro-moments, multiple times per day. http://theatln.tc/1HIeeMW