(Relatively Specific) Types I've Dated And What Ensued

  1. Girls who wear the same Vans as me and remind me of my ex
    Three month fellationship. Give me credit if you use that word. It's exactly what it sounds like. (Addendum: @Lisa_Fav made me think this sounds one sided because of the word fellatio, and she's right. It's a two way thing, fellationship just seemed to be a good portmanteau.)
  2. Lit majors with tempers
    Dated for 8 months, dumped her, and then she started dating my best friend.
  3. Mousey Jewish girls with daddy issues
    One's dad was a very well-known film editor, but he was dead. The other one's dad was around, but she was also born into a cult her dad joined when starting his family. Dated the first for a year and then broke up with her because she would go through my texts and emails for no reason, dated the latter for two years and broke up because of irreconcilable differences and her thinking everything was doomed.
  4. Convenient, attractive neighbors
    This lasted a few weeks, until she followed me down on a trip to NYC from Boston, found where I was staying, and then took a cab over at 2 in the morning. Try ghosting someone who lives next door, I dare you.
  5. Hipsters trying to get their Etsy shop off the ground
    Didn't understand my sarcasm at all, and asked if I liked "scary shows" and then put on Unsolved Mysteries while we were hooking up. Talked a lot about babies (weird) but then told me she wanted to start going to church, which was the final nail in the coffin. Her Tinder profile now says she's looking for a future baby daddy and someone "down with Jesus".