Things I'm Never Going to Do For A Significant Other (Inspired by "Classic" American Cinema)

  1. Drown in a cold ocean
    Especially if we just met and you're way out of my class. Eat the rich. I would have pushed Rose off.
  2. Write you every day for a year, fix up a house by myself, and suddenly take you back
    You help me put this siding up or we're through.
  3. Annoy your family with my stereo
    Lloyd, setting unrealistic expectations.
  4. Deal with someone who follows me around, unless it actually was Jennifer Lawrence
    I also wouldn't enter a dance competition.
  5. Kill myself after you kill yourself.
    Sorry again, Leo. At least you got your Oscar.
  6. Believe that a prostitute loved me.
    Not that sex workers don't fall in love, but let's keep this as a business transaction.